In Tyler We Trusted

Whey-hey-hey! ...

2007-04-06T22:22:00.000Z

Dudes! Babes! I'm back!

Okay, so no-one will give a shit, except me, but here it is! The triumphant return of the Trust Tyler blog. Let the bells ring out! Let everyone worship the greatness that is Tyler!

So, how's it all been? How's it been hanging? How are ... Oh god, I've lost all my buddies!!!! Weep ... Cry ... Barf ...

Ya see, the thing is... Shit happened. I'm not going into details here, but a certain person from a little while ago, went a bit mental and started all sorts of shit that was completely and utterly wrong, wrong, wrong! I don't hate her, however, I don't really place her on my "Ooh, she's a nice person" list. She did some accusing stuff, that was completely not. Ya know ... Not ... Not me, not the kind of thing I'd do, not the kind of person I am, just NOT!

Anyways, I think it's a far enough difference to be able to consider my blogging again ... Sooooooooo, look forward to some more bollocks from me and if you don't, tough, cos it's coming ... Be afraid ... Be very afraid!

Hooray, Hooray, It's a holi-holiday!

2005-12-29T15:54:00.000Z

Hello and welcome to a very, very late edition of Tyler's blog. I could quite easily say I've been busy, but I haven't been particularly busy at all, to be honest. I just haven't got around to blogging. I have missed this though. The ability to lay my thoughts down, to masochistically exhibit myself in the wider world. I've just got a little time to myself to do a little work and to fiddle around on the net for an hour or two while Ass-Lady (yes, we are still together) spends some time with her daughter.

Filling in ... I have a regular 4 night gig as a DJ now and, I have to say, over the holiday period it has been frantic! I had the gig for thursdays and sundays but their regular friday/saturday guy left and I was dropped in to do one of the busiest fridays they have. A one in the afternoon to one in the morning shift that was exhausting. I pulled it off, though, with great aplomb and relish and proved to them that I should have been there from the very beginning. As always, you can't tell people something, they have to learn it themselves. Now I have to go through the rigorous duty of building the clientelle back up after the previous DJ's lost them. I've already been told, time and again, that I am the best DJ they have had since Hairy and Boy Toy left. I did tell them this when I first went for the job, but they stuck with the bad ones and lost many a customer because of them.

Thanks to Ass-Lady, the regular October depression didn't hit as hard this year. Regular (?!) readers will know that October is a very bad time for me, but Ass-Lady was a rock in a stormy sea for me this year. We have our arguments and, boy, are they doozies! Yet we are still together and I haven't cheated on her at all. I have been very honest with her about my past and she has a tendency to be jealous, but all I can do is assure her that I will never be unfaithful with anybody ever again, let alone her. Time will tell.

I'll try and post again, in less than a three month gap hopefully. In the meantime, look after yourselves, have a great holiday and down with all advertising comments!

Time to myself ...

2005-09-22T07:04:00.000Z

Wow! It's almost a month since I last blogged! Terribly sorry for anybody that enjoyed reading the exploits of an old, bald, barman, but I've pretty much been occupied with Ass-Lady. As I'm sure you have already presumed.

To be quite honest, not very much has happened in the intervening time. I have started DJ-ing in various locations and I think I may have my first residency. It's in a bar in a town some thirty minutes from home, it doesn't pay too well, but it is great experience. I've been geting some great feedback about my work and I'm very happy with how things are going with the whole DJ thing.

Things with Ass-Lady and I are going very well and, as previously reported, the sex is absolutely awesome. She does have a slight tendency to be a bit jealous, but I just have to keep telling her that I don't cheat anymore. Cheating sucks and someone, not necessarily the person you think, always gets hurt. I just keep telling her that if I did find someone else, then I would rather finish things with her than cheat on her. But, to be honest, I would be an idiot to cheat on her and lose what I have with her right now. If, in the future, things start breaking down between us, I would finish with her, rather than cheat on her. It's how I would expect to be treated and it's how I expect myself to treat others.

Boobs McGinty and SmileyGirl have pretty much stopped talking to me because I am seeing a lot of Ass-Lady. As my parents were want to say, they will need me before I need them. I have been told by a number of mutual aquaintances that they are both a bit jealous of Ass-Lady.

Stallion has come back for good, from working abroad, and has got back Yell. I feel no animosity that he has got a bar that I was wanting to work (as a DJ). In fact I find it great that he has got a job so quickly after being away for so many months. He is the better DJ, being one of my tutors after all, and I know that I will get my own residency in the Hometown before long.

Well, now that Ass-Lady has got a job, I will probably have a lot more time to post on here. Whether I have anything worthwhile to say is a completely different thing though. Take care.

Come back! Come back!

2005-08-30T01:07:00.000Z

Okay, I know it's been ... ahem ... a while, but I've not gone away for good!

So, I've spent the past few weeks with Ass-Lady and, I know, she's kind of seeped into my bones. I keep telling her we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but we've spent so much time together we might as well be! Tonight is the first time I've spent on my own for ages and I am so grateful for it. I've been out around the Small City near me, with Stallion (who is back from his working holiday and is now looking for work over here) and I've told Ass-Lady that I don't know what time I'll be back and that it may be too late to go to her place. Obviously, I'm home right now, but I'm not going to her place, I need some time to myself and she just doesn't get it!

Other things of note ... I've attempted to get jobs dj-ing in the Hometown and people are a bit reticent about giving me the chance, even though I was taught by the best dj's in the area and I am quite good. I had the opportunity to get Yell, in the Hometown, and I was so close to getting it, but the manageress got replaced a day after we had pretty much come to a deal about it and the new manageress is only interested in doing things her way and isn't taking the old one's choices as viable. Fucking typical! I would kick serious booty in that place, but the opportunity is passed now. I'll just have to keep plugging myslef around and hope I get somewhere.

Boobs McGinty and SmileyGirl are not happy about me seeing Ass-Lady, they are both a bit jealous, but nobody can be pissed at me for too long and they both ended up feeling like shit about being nasty with me about her.

I'm gonna sign off again for now and, hopefully, manage to get the time to update again soon. But, if I don't, please keep coming back and checking as I may surprise you ;-P

Trying something new ...

2005-08-12T13:17:00.000Z

Hey there, People! I'm trying something a bit different today and I'd like people's feedback regarding it.

So, here it is, an audio blog post. I'm going to do it in two ways, first as a link and then as an embeded player. Let me know what you all think and I may (or may not) do another one.

Audio Blog Post Number One

and ...

Ain't nothin' better than the real thing ...?

2005-08-09T20:28:00.000Z

Becky mentioned, in a comment to the last post, that she hoped I hadn't given up on the "real thing", as opposed to the casual sex that I've been having recently with Ass-Lady and SmileyGirl. Actually, I think I pretty much have. I do get the occasional urge to find me a girlfriend and do the whole settling down thing again, but it very rarely lasts long enough to become a driving force in my life. I suppose it would be nice to find someone with whom I can spend those intimate nights in, share our emotions and experiences together and know that there is someone there for me to cuddle up to when things are bad. The problems that I see are that those are only parts of the relationship equation and that those parts don't counteract the minus points of relationships. Those being, among others, the clash of personalities (nobody can get on with someone all the time and I hate the petty little arguments that erupt in relationships), the lack of privacy (one of the things I have embraced, after getting rid of TQOAB, is my own space. Being able to do, think and say whatever I want in my own house without worrying if it will affect another person), being beholden to someone else (I don't like having to think of someone else when I make a decision, or have to think that I have to let someone know that I may be late home, going somewhere different, visiting someone off the cuff instead of arranging it first). There are other things too. It's not that I'm decrying relationships, there are many, many people that thrive in relationships and I champion those people and respect them, but relationships are not for me. They stifle me and make me feel claustrophobic. I just don't want to resent someone because I may have lost my independence that I had forced on me when my wife, and later my mother, died, yet an independence which I have turned into the largest positive thing in my life at the moment.

Perhaps someday, maybe someday soon, I might meet a woman that may make me rethink all of this. Perhaps I will find a woman so extraordinary that I will feel the overwhelming need to be with her for the rest of my life. At the moment, though, I am very happy with my relationship status and I don't want it to change. My experience with BenchGirl taught me a lot of things.

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Saturday night was quite upsetting as it was Trace's last night at The Bar. Harry played "Bye, Bye Baby" by The Bay City Rollers and it was obvious he played it for Trace. I had tears in my eyes, even though I knew it wouldn't stop me from seeing Trace as a friend. I'm am so going to miss her on Fridays and Saturdays! I really hope that her X2B changes shifts again soon and that she comes back and I also hope that she doesn't get back with him (she has been considering it) as I doubt very much that she will ever get any kind of independence like she has had since they split up. I'm pretty certain that he'll be fine for a while and then he'll start with the little things before building up to major things, but, by that time, I think he will have emotionally battered the confidence she has grown, out of her.

I met up with Ass-Lady in Cameo and she stayed at my house again (more anal sex along with all the ordinary (amazing) sex that we do!). Then, on Sunday, she came round for half an hour, late in the night to drop off a CD that she had done for me. Not ten minutes after she had arrived, SmileyGirl knocked on the door! She was absolutely drunk as a skunk! She came in and started crying, saying that nobody in her family was talking to her that she was upset about losing the baby and other things that she was upset about. She was sick in my bathroom 3 times and I eventually got her in a taxi home. No sooner had she left than I had a call from Boobs McGinty. I told her what had happened and she said that SmileyGirl was fine when she got out of the taxi at the end of my street (apart from being extremely drunk), that SmileyGirl's family were all alright with her and that she had been thinking about this whole miscarriage thing. Boobs reminded me that it was only a month or so ago that SmileyGirl had taken a pregnancy test and it had come out negative and that when she had gone to hospital for the miscarriage she had said that the doctors had said it had been an ectopic pregnancy. Apparently (me not being a doctor, I don't know) ectopic pregnancies are life threatening after 3 months and SmileyGirl had said she was 5 months gone. I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to keep my ears open and if I think SmileyGirl is lying to me about anything I will pull her up on it. According to Boobs, SmileyGirl had wanted sex with me that night and had said to Boobs that if Ass-Lady was at my house she was going to hit her. Thankfully, she didn't even attempt such an action and I am so glad. As it was, I had asked Ass-Lady to stay until SmileyGirl had gone as I'm not very good with upset people (although she said that I handled it very well) and she missed the opportunity to catch a lift home with her friend so she stayed the night again. I am quite sure that this woman is going to kill me with sex, although it will be one hell of a way to go!

A complete aside, I now have the DJ equipment I need to start performing and I am managing to get a lot of practice in on my own gear. I have had quite a few people tell me that I am really good at it, including Ass-Lady, SmileyGirl (who even said that I was almost as good as Hairy, Stallion, Boy-Toy and Ki and I take that as a huge compliment as those guys are extremely good) and also Da Boss, at The Bar, who has said, if the staffing situation at The Bar was better, I would have been DJ-ing there already. As I have said before, I don't want to get ahead over the bones of a friend, Harry, but I would love to be the DJ at The Bar. Knowing what Da Boss thinks has made me even more determined to find somewhere else to DJ so that Harry can take on there (being the most experienced, he can make a bigger impression than I could in a new place) and then I can do The Bar without worrying about having to go over his head to get it. If we can get a place for Thursdays through to Sundays it would be fantastic. We just have to keep badgering the bar owners until someone gives in and gives us a try. If they give us that opportunity they won't regret it.

Gee, I'm tired ...

2005-08-06T09:40:00.000Z

Okay, okay, already! I'm blogging, I'm blogging!

It's not like things haven't been happening, lately, it's just that I really haven't gotten around to putting anything down. I'm just a lazy old so-and-so. I think this post will probably just be a re-cap of the past couple of weeks to keep people up to scratch.

Firstly, my redundancy came through and I am now, officially, unemployable. I mean, unemployed! I got a sizable lump sum, but the vast majority of it is going to pay off some rather irresponsible debts that I incurred over the last few years and a lot has gone towards buying DJ equipment, so I'm going to be left with very little after all is said and done. As I say to everybody who can be bothered to listen, as long as I can pay for the rent on my house, buy some food for me and the pussy (my cat, Salem) and go for a few drinks every so often, I'm not really bothered about money. Still, I am pretty worried about not being able to afford things so I will have to get me another job until the DJ-ing takes off. Probably some kind of shop assistant or something as I am never going to do another office job as long as I live! The inter-personal dynamic in office environments is just intolerable and I hate it.

Other news is that it's Trace's last night at The Bar tonight. Her X2B has changed his working pattern and he will be unable to have the children every weekend. Trace's parents can't look after them as her father is quite ill, so Trace would only be able to work every other week and that just won't really work for Da Boss. I'm quite upset that she's leaving, I'm going to miss her at The Bar. Other people will probably come and go, but Trace has been the person I have most clicked with there for such a long time.

Related but not entirely similar news. BenchGirl has set a date for her wedding to her boring, boring, boring fiance. That's not too bad, I hope she stays with the boring inattentive chap for the rest of her life and has an eternity of inaffection, lonely nights and Victorian attitudes from him. Me, bitter? Never! (He he he). Anyway, the person that she has asked to DJ at her wedding reception is none other than Shrek, Trace's ex and the person that Trace and BigGayGuy (who is going to the wedding with Trace as I doubt it would be appropriate for me to go) hate more than virtually anybody else. I feel that BenchGirl's choice in DJ was inappropriate and unfeeling towards Trace's history with Shrek and I think it shows just how much that girl does not care about Trace at all. I said nothing to Trace about it though as it would just seem like sour grapes on my part.

News on my front. I ended things with Ass-Lady after being threatened by an ex of hers. I wanted to end it anyway, as she was acting far too much like a girlfriend and just wasn't getting the "I don't want a girlfriend" message. I didn't hear from her for a week or so, but while I was out on Thursday night, I met her, we talked and ... *sigh* ... I ended up taking her home. Yes, I know! I have no resolve. In my defence, I was very drunk and I had been missing the outstanding sex that we had. For a plus point, I finally had anal sex that I could remember doing and it was very nice. I doubt that I'd want to do it all the time but it was different enough to make a very nice change. At least Ass-Lady is accommodating in my little fantasies and fetishes, although I still believe it would be best for me to cut ties from her entirely at some point soon. I guess I'll just have to do something drastic, like pull some other woman while she is in the same club as me. If she ends up hating me for it, then so be it. At the end of the day, she definitely wants more from me than I want from her and she really needs to understand that I just want to sleep around and kiss far too many women at the moment and whether I'm having sex with her or not is not even a deciding factor in that.

Glassy has been pursuing me again and I shared a kiss with her a couple of weeks back, but, yet again, she is another girl who wants more from me than I want from her. Although, at least, I haven't had sex with her so it isn't so bad as the situation with Ass-Lady.

SmileyGirl and I have been sharing a bed quite a bit. As usual, the sex is very vanilla, but when you're horny, you're horny! The trouble in this situation is that SmileyGirl recently found out that she was five months pregnant. Apart from the fact that I'm infertile, I couldn't be the father as we weren't having sex five months ago. Unfortunately, she took a tumble down some stairs last week and ended up losing the baby. Very strangely, she mentioned to Boobs McGinty, the other day before the miscarriage, that she really wished that I had been the father! WTF?!?! She knows my attitude towards children and, although I would never run away from it if it happened, I simply do not ever want children! Seriously, do people not listen to a word that I say to them? Am I speaking an entirely different language to every body else that sounds like English but everything that I say comes out the opposite of what I am actually saying? Honestly, the celibacy option is looking more and more appealing the more time I spend with the opposite sex!

The DarkTwin situation has pretty much fizzled out. I haven't really spoken to her since the night I realised that her personality wasn't particularly as attractive to me as her physical appearance and, although we have locked eyes a few times, the flirting has pretty much stopped.

Angelita, as expected, has not made another appearance since the other week.

I met the boyfriend of Songstress and he's a nice enough lad, but the two times that he has come into The Bar to see her, he obviously doesn't like the attention that she gives me. I'd say that he was intimidated by me (he seemed it), but he is a doorman by profession so I doubt he'd be intimidated by a short (although well-muscled for my age), bald, camp acting bar-man! LOL ... She is cute though, and the moment she stops seeing him (if that ever happens), I'm going to jump her bones like she'd never know!

Non-girl orientated news. I had some disturbing news for my best friend, Coach, the other day. His (slightly (Ha!)) psychotic ex-girlfriend has joined the local géndarmes and has recently found out the location of his current home. This is disturbing because she is quite capable of making some kind of false allegation against him to get him harassedd by her colleagues. I know this would adversely affect her chosen career, but I do not doubt that she would be that stupid. Fortunately, Coach and his current girlfriend have just put a deposit down for a pallacial new house and they should be moving there very soon. Hopefully, crisis averted, but I would not put it past his ex to abuse her position to find him again.

All in all, it's been a typically chaotic and strange couple of weeks. As I have a want to say, how can such a boring life be so complicated? Because I complicate things, myself, unnecessarily!

Should I believe ...?

2005-07-27T10:30:00.000Z

Last night was the first night, in quite a while, where Coach, my best friend, and I managed to have a really good chat about everything that's been going on recently. We met up in a bar in The Hometown, ordered some food and got us some drinks and just sat and talked for a good few hours. It was great being able to just sit and talk with someone who knew me so well. He knows why I would be excited about somethings, why I would be upset or down about others. There's no need to explain things. No need to give the reasonings about how I feel about things, he just knows, because he is my best friend. To be honest, he let me rant and rave for a large majority of the time. I think he understands that I don't get much opportunity to express my side of things with the people I usually talk with. That being Trace, Boobs, SmileyGirl, etc, as they always seem to turn everything round to what is troubling them and skip over anything I want to say about what's troubling/affecting me.

Coach and I talked about movies, martial arts, politics, girls, pregnancies. Yes, pregnancies! Coach is going to be a daddy for the first time soon and we talked about children and things. Now, normally, I am very reticent talking about children, pregnancies or anything to do with the whole child situation. It bores me, frankly (and I just know so many people will be offended by that statement, but why? I'm not saying anybody else should be bored. I'm not saying your children aren't wonderful and beautiful and exciting and all the other things that parents think about their children. But, to me, they are not.). However, the chat I had with Coach was much better than it usually goes with everybody else. He wasn't all gushy. He wasn't expecting me to be overcome with excitement and filled with a longing to see his child. He understands that it will be his child and that it will be an amazing little creature to him and his s/o, but it will just be another child to me. He understands that. I can tell how proud it is going to make him and I feel glad for him.

We eventually made our ways home after I had agreed to go to the martial arts class tonight. It's such a long time since I have been as I injured my knee pretty badly a while ago and it doesn't seem to be healing very well at all. His students, formally our students, have expressed that they have missed me being there and would like me to show my face at least once, so I agreed that I would go tonight. The problem is that I feel awful, sat on the sidelines, watching everybody train and enjoy themselves, while I know that if I joined in and trained I could possibly damage my knee even further. It is so frustrating though. I would love to go back to class and begin training again, but I can feel myself getting excited and wanting to join in and I just can't! *sigh* ... Still, it would be great to see all the lads again.

Last night, also, I got a call from SmileyGirl wanting me to go for a drink in The Othertown. I told her that I was occupied with Coach, but she tried persuading me with offering to buy me drinks and putting on a little girl type voice ("Oh, pleeeeaaaasssseeee", "No."). She eventually got the message and said she'd see me later. I got back home, eventually and went straight to bed. Waking up, this morning, I found a number of missed calls and a couple of messages on my answerphone from her. One was a very weepy, "I need your help, pleeeeaaassseee", type message and the other one was an apology for the missed calls and a "obviously you're too busy to answer the phone". Strangely, she wasn't at all weepy in the second message that arrived only moments after the first. The thing is, I have had a number of these calls from SmileyGirl and offered my help only to find that there was nothing actually wrong. According to Boobs, SmileyGirl can turn on the weepy voice at any time and turn it off just as quick. The problem is the "Crying wolf" effect of all this. Eventually, she will do this weepy phone thing and I won't believe her and it may actually be something important that she needs my help for. But you can't help becoming traumatized against it, eventually. I just hope the situation never does get that bad.

Not much ...

2005-07-25T21:30:00.000Z

Well, thursday night I went out for drinks with SmileyGirl and didn't stick to the celibacy thing. Oops! I have several very deep scratches on my back for my sins. Why is it that virtually every woman I've been with recently has had the need to cause some kind of bodily scarring to me? Anyway, the sex was quite good, but nowhere near as good as with Ass-Lady, but c'est la vie. I'd rather have average sex with someone who isn't going to get my head kicked in by an ex than amazing sex with someone who is. There was also a surprise on thursday night as Stallion had returned from his sojourn abroad! He came into Yell and said hi, had a couple of drinks and then had to move on as he had arranged to meet up with some other friends. He said he'd ring me and we'd go out for a drink on the saturday and catch up with everything.

Friday night, Trace wasn't working at The Bar as a gum infection that she hadn't had treated had spread to her glands, which couldn't be good. Fortunately, one of the new girls called in a cousin of hers who started that night and she was very, very cute! She'll be working at The Bar for a few weeks before she heads off to university and in the meantime I'm going to try and seduce her. LOL. She heard me singing and said that she bet that I sang karaoke. I replied in the positive and she said so did she. I heard her singing later and she has a really good voice, I was quite impressed. I'll call her Songstress for now. She and I got on quite well and she fell in to the banter side of things very quickly. I'll have to watch her as she is almost as quick as me with comebacks! I met up with one of the barmen, from Yell, in Cameo and hung around with him. He was talking to a woman, at one point, who had a very cute friend. I mentioned her cuteness to him and he told the woman he was talking to, who told the woman I liked, who then said that, although she liked me, she was on "that" time of the month and just wanted to dance and drink that night. I just winked and said, "See you next week then". That got a smile from her.

Saturday, I met up with Stallion during the day and we caught up on all the comings and goings of the last three months while having a drink and some food. It was fantastic to see him again and we were chatting like he'd never left. It made us both a bit nostalgic for our Tuesday Night Socials, but we both agreed that when he gets back, we'll be rampaging around the usual haunts once again. What was fun was to see all the girls that used to want him, see him and then their jaws drop, before not taking their eyes off him. Of course, Stallion was completely oblivious and virtually blanked every one of them. SmileyGirl even said, on thursday night, she'd love to get a piece of him, but I told her she'd have to join a very long queue first!

Later, at work, I continued to flirt outrageously with Songstress, only to find out that she was seeing a guy. After the whole BenchGirl thing my resolve for not messing about with other men's partners is now even firmer than ever. Still, it only sounds like she's dating the guy so if it doesn't work out, I'll be in like Flynn! I went to Cameo again and met up with Glassy and her friend. I, unfortunately, flirted with her as she was looking really good and has been for a few weeks now. Very feminine and cute. At one point I was kissing her as Ass-Lady walked by. Doh! She was not very pleased at all and gave me a really nasty look later on in the night. I was a good boy though, I did go to bed alone, leaving Glassy in the taxi home after paying for her part of the journey as well as mine.

There was a woman in Cameo that I had a little thing with a few months ago. I can't remember if I mentioned it on here and I can't be bothered to look through past posts to find out. I met her a couple of times in Shark and shared some kisses with her, but both times she just disappeared on me without saying goodbye or anything. Since then she hasn't spoken to me at all, yet strangely enough on saturday she did. As she walked past me at one point, she tapped me on the shoulder, gave me a big smile and said hi. I have no idea what made her talk to me again after all this time. It may have something to do with the fact that she is a friend of Angelita. I would love to talk to this woman to see if Angelita is actually seeing someone. You see, I have never pursued women. It may sound big headed and arrogant, but I have never chatted a woman up, it's always been the other way round. Sure, I flirt. Lots! But I don't physically go up to women and ask them out on dates or anything like that. Believe it or not, I'm quite shy. However, with Angelita, I would pursue her. If she is available. She is just too gorgeous to wait for her to make any first move, if that is her intent. So, I need to talk to this woman, who I have kissed a few times, and ask her about her friend. Sounds a bit fucked up, n'est pas?

In other news, I found out last night that SmileyGirl has walked out of her job at the On The Fence Club. I then got spoken to by the stewardess saying that someone had told her that I only liked SmileyGirl because she gave me free drinks! This is absolutely not true! I like SmileyGirl because of who she is, not for non-existant free drinks. The only times I have had drinks from her is when people have paid for her some drinks and she has used those paid on drinks to get me one or two. The drinks have never been free in the sense that nobody has paid for them. I have a good idea who has made this rumour up and, although I am not a violent person (fighting hurts!), I will get my own back in a non-violent fashion. I can be terribly evil when I want to be. He he he.

Memories: Part Five ...

2005-07-21T12:02:00.000Z

I don't mention much about The Queen Of All Bitches. She was a huge part of my life, if only for a relatively short time. She affected me in so many different ways and what happened to me with her has resonated through every relationship I have had since. I think part of the reason I rarely stay with a girl for more than a couple of weeks, or that I end up self-destructing with women that I like is due to her. Damn, that girl hurt me! Yet, through retrospect, I believe she was really just a rebound girl after the death of my wife and I clung to her like a life preserver in the middle of the ocean.

It was five months or so after I lost my wife and I was just beginning to go out drinking properly again with my friends. I had continued working at The Bar but my flirting had all but disappeared. It was about this time that I had also started shaving my head completely. I do one of two things when significant events happen in my life, I either do something radical to my hair, or I get another tattoo. After losing my wife I had a tattoo done in her honour and I also shaved my head. It seemed symbolic and I've, pretty much, kept it shaved ever since.

It was a thursday night and I had recently returned from New York. My friends and I had moved on to Yell for the last drinks before we all moved on to Cameo to finish the night. I was talking to a bunch of people I knew, while my friends all sat down to continue their conversations. Feeling a tap on my shoulder, I turned round to see one of the most stunningly beautiful women I had ever seen in my life. She was slightly shorter than me, with gorgeous brown eyes, long silky brown hair and a wonderful figure. She started talking to me, even though I had been talking to other people. Apparently I looked a little like the guy who plays Lex Luthor in Smallville and I said "Nah, I'm better looking than him". She chatted with me for a little while longer and I said I had to go back to my friends. She asked me which club I was going to afterwards and I told her I was going to Cameo. She gave a little smile and walked away, showing me one of the nicest asses I have ever seen! Even better than Ass-Lady's.

I thought nothing more of the incident until we all paraded up into Cameo. I had just bought myself a drink when this girl comes up to me again. She told me her name and asked if she could hang around and talk with me. Of course, there was not any chance at all that I would say no to such a beautiful girl so we stayed together and chatted for a while. Eventually, she asked if I wanted to leave. I wasn't looking for a one-night stand that night, but I was enjoying myself so much with her that I readily agreed. We left the club and walked to where she had parked her car. She had been drinking, but I wasn't bothered about dying. I didn't think about other people, which was selfish of me, I guess. She drove us to another town near to the Hometown where she, surprisingly, picked up her dog! We took the dog for a walk and after a while I said that I should really be getting home. She said she would take me and so me, TQOAB and her dog ended up back at my house.

We stayed up for hours, just talking and playfighting. Watching films and listening to music. We kissed and talked some more but we didn't have sex. It was fantastic. It had been such a long time since I had had so much fun with someone of the opposite sex that I was enraptured by this woman. We eventually went to bed, sleeping cuddled up together after I had run my fingers through her hair for an hour or so, still talking. The next morning she asked if she could come back later in the day, after I had finished work and I said yes, trying so hard not to sound too excited at the prospect.

She did come back. She stayed the night and we made wonderful, passionate love all night. She came back the next day and the next and she never spent a night away from me from the night we met to the night she left. A year and a half we spent together and by the end of that time she had sucked me dry like a vampire. I was a spent corpse and not through too much sex (that had pretty much ended within a few months of her moving in), but through her sucking my soul out of me.

That was how we met. How we lived together is a memory for another time.

FUBAR (part two) ...

2005-07-18T10:45:00.000Z

This will probably be a bit meandering but I'll attempt to keep it all chronological.

Friday night I had been a reticent about letting Ass-Lady know whether I was going to Cameo, after work, or not. I just wanted to have a good drink, a good boogie and spend some "friends time" with Trace. She wasn't happy and wanted me to let her know around ten-ish what I was doing. I couldn't let her know at that time as Da Boss doesn't let us have our mobile (cell) phones behind The Bar until we have finished work at the end of the night. As it turned out, Ass-Lady must have stayed in because she didn't come to The Bar and she wasn't in Cameo either. This was great as me and Trace had a good laugh without Trace being left on her own because of me showing Ass-Lady attention, like I had done the past couple of weeks. DarkTwin was in Cameo and she started talking to Trace, eventually ending up talking to me and I realised that, despite being physically attracted to her, I doubt I could date her. She's a very nice girl but I don't think she would be lively enough for me. She seems a bit, ummm, reserved, shall we say. So now I have no women on my "would like to date" list, except Angelita who I will probably not see again for a long time, if ever.

On saturday, Trace, BigGayBen and I went for some drinks during the day. Ass-Lady called me asking if she could leave some clothes at my house for her to change into on sunday morning and that she had bought me something else (she had bought me some rather expensive aftershave on thursday). I met up with her before I reached Trace and BigGayBen, collected her clothes and the present, a bandana that I needed for when I do The Third Job on sundays. As I was drinking with my friends, they tried to persuade me to go to the Othertown nearby for drinks after work and I was sorely tempted, eventually giving in. I texted Ass-Lady and told her that I was going elsewhere that night and she was very upset.

At work that night, I was confronted by an ex of Ass-Lady's. He was being very aggressive telling me all sorts of nasty things about Ass-Lady, telling me when she had been to my house, what time she left. He kept staring at me and eventually he came to the bar with around four friends behind him and started being threatening. I kept my cool and just informed them that if they didn't settle down and stop being aggressive then I would have the doormen escort them out. They all eventually left giving me some evil looks. Ass-Lady had come into The Bar by this time and had seen some of this going on. I was a bit shaken about being threatened and I told her that we would have to have a talk later. After work had finished I found that she had sent me a number of text messages telling me she was going to wait on my doorstep until I got home. I told her that I wouldn't be likely to come home anytime before 3 in the morning (it was twelve at night by this point). She said she would wait and wanted to sort things out, that she couldn't believe she had lost me because of her ex and on and on and on. I hadn't said I would have stopped seeing her but all these messages just screamed stalker to me so I just said we should call it a day and end the fling. I kept getting phone calls and texts throughout the night and eventually turned off my phone. I also found out, the next morning, that SmileyGirl had tried to phone me a number of times during the night and I had ignored her calls thinking it was Ass-Lady. Turns out that SmileyGirl was having her own little drama and I couldn't handle hers and my own with Ass-Lady.

When I look back at it now, it's not all so bad as I thought it was, but being threatened just because I'm sleeping with someone is just not on my list of favourite pastimes! I'm still seriously considering the whole celibacy thing again. It was, just about, the only time I've been really happy in quite a while.

FUBAR (part one) ...

2005-07-17T02:02:00.000Z

I can't even begin to relate the shit that has happened tonight. I need to formulate this all in my head before I put it down on here (and I have to relate it to you).

Let's just say that I won't be sleeping with Ass-Lady again and I'm seriously considering the whole celibacy angle, yet again. This shit is all too complicated and fucked up for me to deal with any more. I just want to have fun and all I seem to get is drama after drama and it's wearing me down.

I just can't deal with it. Why can't people just get it through their heads that I don't want a relationship at all, I just want to have a bit of fun, but nobody understands what I'm saying. Plus, yet another person has chimed in saying I'm having relations of a sexual nature with Trace. Why can't everybody just understand that Trace and I are just very close friends.

I'm seriously messed up right now and I don't know how much more I can handle before The Demon comes a calling. I can feel him. Right there, hovering over my shoulder, laughing at me.

Some little asides ...

2005-07-14T14:16:00.000Z

Nothing really to blog about, but I just feel like putting some words down today for no other reason that I like to hear (see) my own voice (my own written words). I am such a narcissistic person!

I am so very, very tired. Ass-Lady came round last night and it was ... ahem ... exhausting. I fell asleep in the men's room at The Day Job and got woken up by the female janitor knocking on the outer door to see if anybody was in. Hmmm, seriously hoping that I don't fall asleep at the wheel on the way home. I'm not bothered about dying myself but I'd hate to hurt someone else in the process.

I've been playing Silent Hill 4: The Room a lot, recently. I, personally, don't think it's as good a game as Silent Hill 2 (as in gameplay), but it looks fantastic and reminds me, somewhat, of all the japanese/south east asian horror films that have been emerging over the past few years. Films such as Ringu, Ju on and Dark Water.

I don't think I'll be going out tonight, I'm far too tired. Yet, I'm pretty certain that if I don't go out, go to bed early and get a good night's sleep, that I will still be absolutely shattered in the morning. So, I may as well go out, get drunk, fall over and generally have a good time. If I'm going to feel like crap in the morning, I may as well enjoy myself the night before.

Ass-Lady wants me to go for a weekend break with her in a couple of weeks time, but I'm not certain if I should, let alone want, to go. This is, yet another, pointer towards her thinking she can become my girlfriend. To be brutally honest, if it wasn't for the fact that she is really good in bed and that she originally said she thought I'd shag her once and then dump her (and I don't want that bad a reputation), I would have dumped her a while ago. I really can't take this clingy thing and the whole sweet caressing, kissy kissy, lovey dovey routine is just boring me silly.

Also, speak of the devil and the devil shall appear, she has just texted me. She wants me to meet her in The Hometown so that she can give me something. I'm sorry, but people who are just having sex don't buy each other little somethings, at least, they shouldn't. I'm not meeting her and I've decided I'm not going away for the weekend, even if she does want to pay for it. I think it's about time she got it through her head I'm not interested in the relationship thing and if it means losing great sex, then I'll lose it. As Woody Allen says, "I love masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.".

Situation normal, all fucked up ...

2005-07-11T14:10:00.000Z

Saturday night went as per expectations. Totally snafu! As opposed to friday night, I knew that Ass-Lady was going to come into The Bar and would be expecting to meet me in Cameo. No problems there. I was just not happy on friday night because she said she wasn't going to be out and then turned up expecting me to spend my time with her as opposed to spending time with Trace, my best female friend. I cannot stand people expecting me to do things, especially if they haven't told me about them until the time they expect me to do it. Very off-topic there, I believe. I'm meandering again. Anyway, never expected DarkTwin to be out on both nights but she was. This was unexpected occurence, numero one. Unexpected occurence numero two, was when a certain woman that I have been politely obsessed with for years came in to The Bar for the first time in a long while. It's that long ago that I hadn't even started this blog then.

I'm struggling to find a name for her to use on this blog as none would be able to convey the profound attraction I have for her. How beautiful I think she is. How graceful and poetic in every move she makes. She is simply perfection in the form of woman for me. Let me give you an idea. Put BenchGirl, Ass-Lady, DarkTwin and, indeed, anybody that you or I can think of in a line. Hell! Put TQOAB in there too as she was a girl of model like beauty (gorgeous, but a bitch of epic proportions). As I said, line them up. Have them looking their most alluring, being the most attractive they could be, personality wise, let them all be madly in love with me and I would walk past each and every single one of them, over broken glass to get to this woman. I think I'll call her Angelita. Little Angel. She is, quite simply, stunningly beautiful and she has always been interested in me. At least, she used to be.

After work, I went to Cameo. I kind of expected DarkTwin to be there, in the downstairs room, so I decided I would stay upstairs all night so that she wouldn't see me with Ass-Lady. Trace decided she wanted to go downstairs and talk to one of her friends there and I stayed upstairs. Eventually, Ass-Lady wanted to go downstairs herself and was quite determined to go, even though I was dragging my heels at the matter. I wish I had stayed upstairs. Not only was DarkTwin there, but also Angelita. It was at the point where both of them saw me, at almost exactly the same moment, when Ass-Lady decided to hold my hand in a girlfriendy way and to reach up to kiss me. Two pairs of eyes changed from interested attraction to disinterested disappointment. In one fell swoop, one pico-second of time, I could see my hopes for both of those women shatter. Angelita I will probably never see again or, at least, not for a long long while. DarkTwin, well, yet more about DarkTwin in a moment.

I managed to persuade Ass-Lady to go back upstairs and, after a while, I managed to persuade her to leave early and go home. We did the sex thing again and, again, it went on all night and it was very very good. To say she hasn't slept with many people, she's a damn sight better than most of the other women I've been with. I dropped her off in the home town on sunday, before going on to my Third Job.

Last night I went out with Boobs McGinty again and we were having a lot of fun. I sang on karaoke again and, if I say so myself, I was really very good. Yes, much fun happening until I got the shock of the night as DarkTwin walked in to the bar we were in. She saw me and her face dropped. No other indicator did I need of the huge mess I had made of that opportunity than the look on her face. I tried catching her eye and smiling and she kept looking at me, but she wouldn't smile and everytime she passed me I couldn't manage to get to say anything to her. Soon, SmileyGirl joined Boobs and I, which made it worse as SmileyGirl just doesn't give crap and lets everyone know we've slept with each other, usually as loudly as possible. We moved on to Yell, shortly after DarkTwin left without even looking at me,only to find her in there! But, wait, it gets worse! I went to the bathroom to find SmileyGirl waiting for me on returning. She grabbed me and started kissing and groping me and who happens to walk by, herself returning from the ladies bathroom? That's right, DarkTwin. Insert look of abject horror on my face and look of disdain on hers. More, you say? Okay, how about this. After feeling pretty dispondent about the whole situation I begin nursing my drinks and feeling very sorry for myself. A few drinks later, I go to the bathroom again and return to find that SmileyGirl had gone across to DarkTwin and "set her straight". Basically, she did the adult equivalent of schoolkids in the school yard running up to someone and saying "my mate fancies you" before running away again!

DOH!

By this time I had just given up. I was well and truly in the "fuck it!" zone, so I took SmileyGirl home and shagged her bandy legged! It wouldn't matter anymore because my chances with DarkTwin are done. Any chance I had with Angelita (just thinking about her eyes makes me shiver), is quite probably gone. And all I am left with is two women who I only want to have sex with, but who both would like to be my girlfriend (I haven't even mentioned SmileyGirl trying to dig for information on who is better, her or Ass-Lady!) and a lot of female friends. I'm tempted to do that web/weave/deceive thing again, but that would be over-use of an already over-used, but insightful, quote.

I'm not even mentioning about when Shrek saw Tyler. That will be for later.

Drama gratia drama ...

2005-07-09T11:30:00.000Z

Sometimes, the life I have chosen for myself tends to catch me in a squall and take me in directions I never think is going to happen. I was very stoked, last night, as I was working at The Bar. It wasn't busy, per sé, but it was busy enough to get my adrenaline going and I was having a very good time. Glassy came in for the first time in a long time and she was okay with me. Back to how we used to be before we actually dated, which is good, as I like Glassy as a person. Just not as a girlfriend.

The highlight of the night came when DarkTwin came in and stood next to the bar talking to her sister and her friends. This was unusual as she tends to stand further away from the bar most every other night. She kept looking over and catching my eye, but I was busy enough to the point where I couldn't really flirt with her unless I served her. The only trouble being that every time she needed serving, I happened to be serving someone else and someone else served her every time. Frustrating much?!

Ass-Lady came in. This was a bit of a shit as she had said that she wasn't going out until saturday night and she has shown that she doesn't like it when I'm talking to other women. More on this later.

Trace persuaded me to go to That's Right after work and I seriously wish she hadn't. The place was dead! There must have been a grand total of 10 people in there and I was bored shitless. Trace wanted to go there because Shrek was going there as he is barred from Cameo. She talked to another guy for the entire half hour we were there and Shrek wasn't happy. Neither was I but for a different reason. There weren't even any girls for me to flirt with in there and I eventually told Trace I was leaving and going to Cameo, where DarkTwin was and, unfortunately, so was Ass-Lady. Trace left with me and we moved on to Cameo.

Cameo was much better than That's Right, with quite a few people in. I saw DarkTwin straight away and was about to wander over and talk to her but I noticed she was talking to another guy at the time. I may be a slut, but I'm not a cockblocker, so I left it for the time being. Trace was busy texting a guy that she had met through an internet chatroom while I sat and watched people while listening to the music. Eventually Ass-Lady came up, tapped me on the shoulder then walked away with a pissed off look on her face. The inevitable text messages followed saying I'd used her and all the usual things. I replied telling her that I'd told her from the beginning that I was only out for fun and that I didn't need this fucked up shit. She kept coming up to me and started trying to have a go at me, but I just wasn't having it. She knew I was pissed off. This is the difference between how I am with girlfriends and with girls that I am just having fun with. A girlfriend I would have been more friendly to instead of standing up for myself (perhaps I should try standing up for myself when I do have a girlfriend?). By this point DarkTwin had moved on. The best chance I had got with the only girl I'd be willing to try being in a relationship with and it was fucked up by a girl I'm just seeing being all "drama queen". I'm certain, after Trace talked to DarkTwin the other week, that DarkTwin was willing to talk to me beyond the usual flirting and the opportunity has probably passed. I've noticed, in the past, that you usually only get one window of opportunity from girls and if you miss it, it could be weeks, months, years or you could never get a chance again. I can't even begin to say how disappointed I am.

Finally, Cameo started to close and Ass-Lady caught up with me, yet again. I took hold of her hand, took her outside to somewhere quiet and started "the talk". She wanted me to say whether I actually liked her and whether I still wanted to see her. I told her that after how she had been through the night, I wasn't sure if I did want to see her anymore! She apologised and I'm a sucker for apologies. I detest those people that, if someone apologises, they keep going at them, like picking at an open sore. The people that like to force people to apologise over and over again. If someone apologises, that's it. I believe you can't apologise more than you already have, so why keep making people say it.

The other piece of drama of the night happened while I was doing "the talk" with Ass-Lady. Trace called me (she had left earlier and had been walked home by a friend) telling me that someone had told Shrek that she and I had been sleeping together! What the fuck?!?! Shrek knows better than that! He knows me and Trace have never slept with each other and we never will. He knows me and Trace don't have any attraction to each other at all. I was severely pissed off at that and I asked Trace to send me his number. I wasn't going to text or phone him last night (some of the dumbest things are said via mobile phone while drunk), I was going to leave it for today, but I don't think I'll say anything at all. I'm going to leave it and if Shrek wants to talk to me her better start with "I'm sorry about friday night ...". Anything else and I'll just walk away from him until he does apologise.

What tonight is going to bring, I just don't know ... Far too much drama for such a boring life, if you ask me.

Career and nostalgia ...

2005-07-08T09:27:00.000Z

I was reading Becky's latest post about career choices and whether we would go back and change our choice if we could and it had me thinking. As I said in my comment to Becky's post, I had an affinity and a knack for three things while I was in education; computers, law and performing arts (mainly the acting, but I was okay with the singing and dancing too).

I chose computers, as I was a bit of a prodigy where they were concerned, but I soon realized that my choice was flawed. By the time I had left education businesses had started training people in-house for most of their computer work. Plus, computer operators and programmers were ten a penny.

I seriously wish I had chosen law, as that is where the money would have been, or acting, as that is where the fun would have been. As it is, I just couldn't afford to go back to school for law and I just don't have the time to make my bones in acting. So, anyways, I took an online career assessment test to see what it would say, and here is the result.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Career Assessment Results

Congratulations!

Your career assessment test has revealed that you are bested for a career in Criminal Justice. Our career assessment test shows you have a fine attention to detail and a knack for logical, analytical thinking. As Aristotle said, "Law is reason, free from passion." We know you will be successful when you pursue a career in Criminal Justice.

Criminal Justice is a career in great demand today, especially with the world situation as it is.
Now that you have been pre-determined to have an interest in Criminal Justice, we are here to help.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

And there you have it! Damn and blast! I could have been a judge by now! LOL ... But, seriously, I know I should have chosen law, but I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it enough for it to keep my interest.

Still, I'm at a turning point in my life and I'm moving to a different career. Hopefully, dj-ing will give me the satisfaction I need, but I'm also going to work at learning a trade to be a back up in case the dj-ing doesn't pan out. If anything, it should be fun to see what happens.

Equal opportunities slut ...

2005-07-06T11:36:00.000Z

So, me and Ass-Lady finally stepped on the good foot and did the bad thing on saturday night. All saturday night! We didn't get any sleep and I had to go to my Third Job on sunday morning, barely able to walk. She is very, very good. Not quite as good as BenchGirl, but very very good, nonetheless. And yet, there is a problem. She absolutely definately thinks she can change me to being boyfriend material and that is honestly, without a shadow of a doubt, snowball's chance in hell of happening. Not just with her, but with pretty much anybody (except DarkTwin and I didn't see her this weekend *sigh*). She's already treating me as a boyfriend, wanting to see me a lot, texting me telling me about her day and that sort of thing. She even wants to go to the flicks with me and that is something I only do with friends or girlfriends and she ain't my girlfriend! Nu-huh!

Also, on sunday night, SmileyGirl came out for a drink with Boobs McGinty and me. Boobs left early-ish and left me with SmileyGirl. The inevitable happened and I succumbed to my libido, taking her home and doing the sex thing with her, but it was pretty meh! compared to what I'd had the night before.

I spent monday night alone, but getting texted left right and centre by Boobs, Trace, SmileyGirl and Ass-Lady and I eventually just told them all I was going to bed early and turned my phone to silent. I still managed to get four more texts and two missed calls! What is it with women? Can they not understand the meaning of closure? When a man recieves a text message that is obviously a final one, they don't send a text message back saying "Okay. See you later. By the way, do you ...?". With the dots being a question that they want you to text back and answer. But women do that! Why? For the love of all that's holy! Stop texting me! Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Tuesday night is movie night with Coach, but Ass-Lady came round and seduced me (he he he) into another quick session. Damn! She has a fine ass! Still, I think I have to get rid before long. I really can't be dealing with her acting like my girlfriend. She wants to come over tonight as well and I'll welcome the sex, but I'll want to kick her out once we've done and I expect she'll want to stay most of the night :-( ... Think I'll have to pull some kind of excuse, maybe get Coach to do a lifesave phone call or something. I dunno. I bring some stupid problems into my life that I don't need and I never learn.

I'm wondering if it's better to have girls want me then hate me, or want me then really want me. Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. I know, I've said that before, but it always seems so appropriate for the stuff I get myself into.

New reviews ...

2005-07-06T11:31:00.000Z

Two new reviews on my reviews page. Mr & Mrs Smith and Steven Spielberg's War Of The Worlds have been given the Tyler treatment.

Let me know what you think.

Finally! The tattoo pic ...

2005-06-30T21:34:00.000Z

Yes, I finally got round to taking a pic of that new tattoo I had done. I like it a lot and I'm wanting another on the other forearm to balance it up.

It says, "To be at peace", in Sanskrit. The other one on my other forearm will say, "Ich bien frei" in Germanic script, meaning "I am free".

Say what you think. ;-D

The sun's gonna shine on everything you do ...

2005-06-28T21:25:00.000Z

I've had a very nostalgic feeling today. My boss, at The Day Job, has had a word with me about my finishing date and it, strangely, left me feeling a little empty. I've spent ten years of my life in this job. It has been the most chaotic and upsetting ten years of my life and that is, perhaps, the reason why I am feeling as if it's the end of an era. No other time in my life has had so much upheaval, sorrow, hurt, pain, suffering, fun, laughter, joy, transience, stability, extasy, terror, unhappiness, fear, love, hate or any other descriptive you can imagine. In the time I have worked at The Day Job I have made new friends, lost them, met a wonderful woman, married her then realised that we should have stayed friends, before losing her in the most tragic of circumstances. I started the best job in my life, working at The Bar, yet I believe that The Bar has been a major factor in my not finding happiness. I have lost my Father, my Mother, (as afore-mentioned) my Wife and my Nanna. I have seen people married, seen them divorce, seen relationships begin and end. I have grown, while essentially staying the same. I've gained dreams and let them fritter away.

I've met women, while married and while single, that have come and gone like leaves on the wind. I have been to places that I could only ever imagine going to on movie screens, yet I still remain in (essentially) the place of my birth. I have loved and lost. My wife, The Queen Of All Bitches, PsychoInternetGirl, BenchGirl. I want to say their real names. I feel like I owe them something by saying their real names but people will put two and two together and make an entirely different number from it.

I feel they deserve to have their names mentioned. Sarah Jayne ( I love you), Catherine (you hurt me so very, very badly), Maria (you lied to me the entire time and I can never forgive you) and Claire (I fell for you so hard and you said you felt the same, but you ended it over nothing).

I'm not religious. If anything I would lean towards Buddhism, mainly due to it's teachings about Karma and that what we do has effects on our lives, but all religions are so restrictive and don't give me the answers that I'm looking for. There has to be a reason to everything that I have done and experienced. The adagé that god (and I refuse to give it the capital letter that christianity, judaeism and even islam, usually demand), moves in mysterious ways just doesn't cut it with me. "Proof denies faith and without faith, I am nothing".

Anyways, this is supposed to be about my day at The Day Job! I'm a level one Reiki practinoner and I believe that there is more to it than just healing properties (although, I believe it's more therapy than healing). I believe that there is an energy that flows through everything. Animal, vegetable and mineral and that reiki can affect this energy. I had the thought, today, that I could affect that energy to turn back time. That I could return to a better time and make things better. It's a stupid idea. You can't change the past. You can't go back and redo the mistakes. You have to accept them and move on. I can't move on.

I've come to terms with a lot of what I've done but there are still some things that haunt me, especially from the last ten years. I'm an evil man. Or, at the very least, a very very selfish man.

A lot of things to consider. A lot of options. And there is always that option. The one that I have stashed away, that I haven't thought about in a couple of weeks. There's always that.

Days like these ...

2005-06-27T20:01:00.000Z

Right then. I'll just give a recap for the last couple of weeks or so.

I did the DJ-ing at The Bar and it went very, very well. A number of people came up to me to tell me that I was better than Harry. I was quite pleased at that but I also felt a bit bad. Especially when the doormen told me that Da Boss had mentioned letting Harry go and putting me up there instead.

I've distanced myself from SmileyGirl as she started acting like we were seeing each other and she knew that wasn't what I wanted. She also kept turning up at stupid o'clock in the morning when I had the Day Job to go to early the next day. It just wasn't working as it was supposed to. I'm still talking to her, but we've stopped having sex.

A cousin of Trace's came into The Bar, recently, and she was gorgeous! I started flirting like crazy with her but Trace told me to leave her alone (not nastily) as her Cousin is terribly innocent. LOL She wouldn't be for long if I got my hands on her!

I've met a new woman, who I'll all Ass-Lady, as she has the most amazing ass I've seen in a long time. We've started having some pretty good sexual encounters in some really public places and it's fun. I've told her that I'm not wanting a girlfriend, and she says she understands, but I think she has an idea that she can change my mind. I have an idea that she has no chance!

Although there is one girl that I would gladly try the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing with. The Dark Twin spoke to Trace on saturday. She asked Trace who she was out with and Trace said me. Dark Twin gave Trace a funny look and Trace said "You know me and him aren't seeing each other, right?". Dark Twin said she knew that and proceeded to say she knew I was seeing Boobs McGinty. Trace put her straight on that point, saying Boobs was just a friend like her and that I was single. Dark Twin, apparently, gained a smile on her face after that. Absolutely cool! I'd love to get to know her better. I think she'd keep me on my toes.

Well, that isn't everything that's happened recently, but nothing of any significance apart from that has happened. I keep hoping to update my blog more often, but there's no point if nothing good happens, is there? See you soon.

Review for Batman Begins

2005-06-23T10:10:00.000Z

On my reviews page you can see my new review of Batman Begins and see just why I think it will go down as one of my favourite films of all time.

A review of Mr & Mrs Smith may appear soon, too.

Have fun!

Kill the DJ ...

2005-06-13T12:06:00.000Z

Saturday night, Da Boss let me hang around with Harry, learning how to set up The Bar's DJ equipment and I ended up doing the first hour or so of the night, which was fun. I only made one mistake, which was that I was searching for a track, lost it, couldn't find it and all the time the other track was almost finished. It ended up with having a couple of seconds silence until I just put any old track on and set it going, but the silence was notable. For the rest of the hour Harry's girlfriend found out tracks for me to play (she knows his collection almost better than he does). They weren't the kind of songs I'd put on, a bit slow for a busy bar, but they helped me get used to the mixer and CD changers. Da Boss wasn't too chuffed with the music choice, either and told me to get Harry to liven it up more. I told Harry's girlfriend that there was no way she was choosing the music for me again as her choices were crap! LOL Still, I don't think I did badly at all, considering.

On Sunday, after finishing the Third Job, I went to The Bar and did some practicing with my own CD's while nobody was in and I did a really good job. Mic work needs a bit of polish, but I'll do fine, I'm sure. After listening to the DJ's in the On The Fence Club, last night, I don't think I can do much worse! My two nights are this Friday and Saturday and I'm excited but terrified as well. I don't want to cock it up for Da Boss.

I had sex with SmileyGirl again last night and it wasn't too bad. She certainly enjoys having oral sex performed on her, but she's not that amazing when she reciprocated on me. But then, I've only ever had two girls be able to do a decent blow job, anyways, so it's not like she has an uphill struggle to get better. I really need a new fuck buddy who knows what buttons to press for me as casual, but meh! sex is getting a bit boring.

Bloody hell! I can't wait to finish at the Day Job! The place is boring me to tears and I just can't be arsed doing any work at all! Not long now though :-D

New York Memories: Part Two ...

2005-06-09T11:59:00.000Z

The decision to visit New York, alone, came about soon after the loss of my wife. I had the money and I wanted to do something, relatively, spontanaeous. Coach had been there at new years 1999/2000 and he said it was fantastic, so I thought it would be a perfect plave to go. I set up the flight and the accomodation and waited, excitedly, for the day.

The flight was quite eventful, with a large storm causing some very fun and interesting turbulence that I thoroughly enjoyed, while others sat cowering in their seats. Then, as now, death holds no fear in me, I only fear pain. A pair of Dutch men decided that they were going to attempt to speak to me the entire flight and all I wanted to do was look out of the window and marvel at the lightening flashes in the darkened sky.

The plane touched down in New York, at LaGuardia, I believe and I began my solitary adventure. At first it was quite disappointing. I had seen numerous films and tv series that showed New York to be bustling and with people quick to deliver invective to those they considered worth the insults. The terminal was, however, quite quiet with only a large group of orthodox jewish people milling about waiting for their families and transport. The people that I spoke to were altogether very friendly and helpful, answering my questions happily. This was quite different from what I expected. I finally found out the best way to get to the city, purchased a 14 day subway pass (which would get some serious usage!) and headed off to catch the bus to the nearest subway station.

Again I was disappointed. The only people talking on the bus were English students! Why would I go half-way round the world to listen to the inane, pretentious ramblings of a bunch of pseudo-middle class students?!?! I followed them, though, as they appeared to be going to Manhatten, just as I was. The subway train was surprisingly clean (One of Mayor Jiulianni's major initiatives, I believe) and tidy. It was on time and comfortable. Again, there were very few specifically "New York"-like things happening, I could easily have been on the underground in London, but then ...

But then, a tramp stood up. A black man, slightly emaciated, covered in many layers of mismatching clothes, he stood up in the middle of the carriage and looked at us all, slowly and deliberately. Then he started to preach to us, telling us where we were going wrong and how god could save our eternal souls if only we would embrace him. And then ... And then he began to sing. A booming tenor voice that filled the train and I sat there, wide eyed and with a huge grin on my face.

It had been about two hours since I had stepped off the plane and this was my first initiation into the New York that I love and wish dearly to return to. A tramp on the subway singing "Amazing Grace" with all the heart and passion of an opera singer made me realise. I knew that I had finally arrived.

Welcome to New York. Have a nice day!

New! New! New!

2005-06-08T14:18:00.000Z

Yes, a new review is up on my reviews page. Sin City. Read about it. Watch it. Be in awe of it!

'Nuff said.

Re: The Silence ...

2005-06-07T08:41:00.000Z

I haven't been posting lately because I just couldn't be bothered. It's not as if nothing has been happening, all the usual complications and drama have been occuring, I just haven't been able to get the motivation to write anything down.

Quick updates: Trace has had her usual dramatic upheavels. Nothing to report, really, just lots of boring drama. Boobs McGinty and I seem to have fallen into the cuddle-buddies mode at the moment, which is nice as it's quite relaxing knowing that there is someone to cuddle up to while watching movies or TV and not have any of the hassle of actually seeing each other. SmileyGirl and I slept with each other and it was ... okay, nothing special to write home about. I doubt I'll be repeating the experience.

The only other thing to report is that Da Boss has asked me to fill in with the DJ-ing, at The Bar, while Harry Potter is in hospital. This is great news as it will be my first full set without Stallion or Hairy being there to bail me out if things go wrong. It will give me a good idea as to whether I'll be able to hack doing DJ-ing properly. There's also a rumour going round that if I do well, then Harry won't be coming back. I'm not too sure about that. I want to get a decent DJ gig but I don't want to shit on someone else, especially someone I like as a person, to get it. But I want to do well and I think I will (I have been practising and I haven't done too badly at all).

I'll keep trying to put some stuff down, but if it's just the same old, same old then there really seems to be no point. Seems the only time I really get into blogging is when my life is in turmoil! Ho-hum. Anyway, we shall see and don't forget, I keep reading all my favourite blogs, even if I don't comment on them or blog myself.

The seventh level of heaven ...?

2005-05-28T02:06:00.000Z

I'm more conduscive to the possibility that Trace didn't know BenchGirl was going to be there last week. I've found a few things out, tonight, that make it more believable. First, that Trace isn't too happy about the fact that she and I fell out, mainly due to BenchGirl and my falling out, because it affected our friendship in a bad way. It's not something she was hammering on about, it was something she really said in passing. Apparently, BenchGirl asked Trace if she thought that Trace and I had stopped talking because of her and Trace said, without hesitation that, yes it was. That everything was back to how it had been before her (until I felt trapped last week). Trace thought it was best to leave me alone to work through my feelings about it and I did. I figured that it was best to just brush it under the table and treat Trace as normal, whether she had known or not that she was going to be there. Second, I have found out that BenchGirl was loaned £800 by Trace and she hasn't even begun to think about paying Trace back. I think BenchGirl is going to upset Trace sometime in the future and I think she is going to upset her very badly. BenchGirl is not a nice person, regardless of how she has treated me. I think she has some deep problems with intimacy and it's going to bite her in the ass someday. Oh, and, apparently, she is back with her fiancé (that was the guy she was with last saturday) and that they are setting a date to get married. Good. He is boring and he is inattentive and bad for BenchGirl. I hope she suffers him for a very very long time.

Boobs and SmileyGirl have spent a lot of time with me this week and I'm becoming very protective of Boobs. She is so sweet and innocent and I think this pregnancy is affecting her a lot. The guy that she fell pregnant to is just being very funny (peculiar) towards her, saying that he wants her but not the baby. What the fuck?!?!? How can he possibly think he can have her without his baby? That's a bit fucked up. I don't think I am going to have sex with Boobs, it wouldn't be fair, she's just too fragile at the moment to be used like that. SmileyGirl is nice. Nice and kinky. I think she would be a good fuck buddy, but I doubt we could ever have a relationship of the proper kind. We're both too alike to start off with. We also both like our freedom too much. I went into That's Right tonight and we were both playing around with other people but kept coming back to each other. I think we are both as dirty and slutty as each other. She's a good kisser too.

Thursday night was fun. I joined up with one of the guys who works in Yell and we went to a few bars in The Hometown before going up into Cameo. I started dancing (which I haven't done in a while, since Stallion left to go abroad) and I started dancing with a girl. Eventually the dancing turned into kissing. She used her tongue like an eel! Not a very good kisser, really, but I didn't mind too much. I went to the toilet and when I came back she was waiting at the top of the stairs for me. Hmmm. Thought there was a one night stand in the offing until ... Until, the LesbianGirl, from the other thursday, came along, started kissing the girl I had been kissing and then that was it. I didn't get a look in after that! LOL ... I didn't mind at all, a kiss is better than nothing and if LesbianGirl wanted to cockblock me, I didn't really care. Shit happens ;-P

The DarkTwin was out again tonight, but I didn't follow her into Cameo as I thought it would be best to back off a little, after last week. I still flirted like hell with her, though.

All in all, tonight was a very good night and I was totally on form. It's been a good few weeks for me, what with one night stands, kisses and girls being interested in me. I'm just waiting for the trough to appear (as opposed to the crest of the wave I am on at present). Fun, fun, fun, until I get a dry spell, then I'll be all down and "Why doesn't anybody want me?!?!?" again LOL.

Just some questions ...

2005-05-26T09:48:00.000Z

I've ripped these questions from Egg-He's blog and I thought I'd answer them seeing as: a. I haven't done a lighthearted post in a while, and b. They're about movies and (like I said in Egg-He's comments), I love movies!

1) Total of film's I own on DVD/video: Well, I've been buying videos and DVD's for as long as I can remember. Had a blip a few years ago when (almost) my entire collection was stolen, but I'm back up to steam now. I have, roughly 350 DVD's and a dwindling collection of about 200 videos. Geek? I think so!

2) The last film I bought: High Fidelity, starring John Cusack, directed by Stephen Frears and adapted from a Nick Hornby novel. A much better film than I thought it would be and I no longer consider John Cusack as an Ed Norton-Lite. He is a really good actor.

3) The last film I watched: At home, The Best Little Whore-House in Texas, a cracking good laugh. Cinema, Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of The Sith. Least said about that, the better.

4) Five film's that mean alot to me: Wow! This is a really difficult one. I'll go with the one's that I enjoy the most, rather than the technically best ones.

1) BladeRunner: Director's cut. I enjoy it so much, but it is one of the greatest movies ever made too.
2) Ferris Beuller's Day Off. Cheezy 80's coming of age comedy, but I just love it to bits.
3) Alien. Another Ridley Scott movie and I just prefer it to Aliens, which 99% of other people prefer.
4) Akira. My favourite animé movie ever, although it has been surpassed by others since.
5) Seven Samurai. Next to the extended editions of LOTR, this is the only 3 hour plus movie I can watch over and over.

Bubbling under are, Fight Club, When Harry Met Sally, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, Pulp Fiction, Animal House, The Godfather Part II, Raiders Of The Lost Ark and I could go on and on and on and on ...

5) Tag five people people and have them put this in their journal: Well, I'll do what Egg-He did here and just leave it to anybody that reads to do as I don't talk to that many people on the net.

Thanks for listening. Y'all come back now, ya hear!

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith ...

2005-05-25T11:01:00.000Z

I was going to do a review of Revenge of The Sith after watching it, but I can't. I hated it! With a passion! ... Episode II was better than this. You get used to the clunky dialogue but in this film it was the absolute worst that Lucas has put up on screen. The acting was atrocious throughout, with only a few tiny parts that weren't, mainly from Ewan McGregor and Ian McDiarmid. Those two did actually deliver some of the lines well. The plot, such as it was, was sporadic and meandering. The visuals, while lush in places was cluttered and offended the eyes. The use of CGI was to much. In two scenes there was CGI storm troopers where Temuera Morrison could easily have been used, filming him a number of times and overlaying, but they settled for putting his face on CGI models that weren't even animated very well. I didn't like Episodes I and II at first, but they have started to grow on me, yet neither of those films left such a bad taste in my mouth as this one. The only film I have ever watched and hated more was The Crow: City Of Angels. I sincerely hope that I never have to see this film again. I am even not going to buy it on DVD, even though I hate to have incomplete series; in my collection. To give you an idea, I loved The Matrix, loved Animatrix, was very "meh" about The Matrix: Reloaded and just didn't like The Matrix: Revolutions at all, yet I still bought all the DVD's and have watched them all since. I'm not going to do that with Revenge of The Sith. I'm not giving George Lucas any more of my money after that debacle!

Ummm, I guess that did turn into a review of sorts, after all. On my star system, this film doesn't even get half a star, and I think giving it a quarter of a star is being too kind. I cannot recommend this movie, but I know it will make millions. *sigh*

One door closes ...

2005-05-24T12:38:00.000Z

Well, Glassy hasn't been in touch since Friday night, when I didn't go into Shark to see her but went into Cameo with Trace instead. I think she thought she would still be seeing me in some capacity. I think it was for the best, really, as she may have been disappointed that I wasn't going to be as "friendly" as I had been towards her. I would/will be still friendly, but not in a kissing kind of way. I just hope she isn't feeling hurt over it all.

I haven't heard from Trace since Sunday morning when we sent a series of texts between each other about Saturday night. I told her I didn't believe her and she tried to tell me that she hadn't spoken to BenchGirl since Friday morning, but I find that very very hard to believe. They are almost attached by a rubber band so why would they not contact each other for two days, even if BenchGirl has moved out into her own (or a new fella's) place? I don't understand what could have motivated the trap, as that is how it felt. I don't know if it was for nasty purposes, to show off BenchGirl moving on to a new guy, or if it was to get me to be friendly to BenchGirl again (to ease their guilt, is how I would see that). Either way it was a fucked up thing as Trace should know I'm still in love with BenchGirl, I'm just really bitter and angry with her and I don't want to be in the same country, let alone the same club, as her!

I went out with Boobs McGinty on Sunday and we had a great time until the end of the night when we had a couple of misunderstandings between us. Firstly, she thought I was ignoring her a lot as there were quite a few people out that I know and I was talking to a lot of people, so she felt left on the sidelines. I got upset as I felt that she was using me to get her ex boyfriend jealous as, whenever he appeared, her mood and attitude changed completely. In my defence, I'm feeling quite untrusting towards people lately and feel paranoid that people are talking to me and being around me for ulterior motives. I did say, that if that was what she wanted (to make him jealous), then she should have told me and I wouldn't have minded so long as I knew that was what she was after. As it is, we just got our wires crossed and we're still friends.

Boobs came up to my house, yesterday with SmileyGirl, the girl who's boobs I have been intimate with, where we all played at going through all the sex/kinkyness quizzes we could find on the net. It was loads of fun and SmileyGirl and I couldn't help feeling awful for Boobs because she is so sweet and innocent! SmileyGirl and I have similar kinky tastes and our scores were always much higher than Boobs'. SmileyGirl and I think Boobs needs to be corrupted a little. They left my house at about nine and then, an hour later, I got a phone call from SmileyGirl asking me to go down to the On The Fence Club, where she works, to help save her from a wierd guy who kept hitting on her. I think this may be the beginning of a new sexual escapade, but this time, I think both parties know that it's not going to be a big thing, just a bit of fun. It will make a nice change from people trying to use me, trap me or get me to be something I'm not. I think SmileyGirl and I are just wanting to throw each other around and get sweaty a lot, but nothing more. Should be fun!

Definately, too nice ...?

2005-05-22T09:22:00.000Z

Just a short one. Work at The Bar was okay. Trace and I had a laugh just like we used to do. She asked me if I was going to Cameo after work and I thought it would be fine. It's cheaper in Cameo, on saturdays, in comparison to Shark, so I thought I'd go in there instead. I got in to Cameo, met a couple of people I know and was basically starting to have a good time. Then, Trace said she wanted to find a friend of hers, a guy I'll call BigBiGuy. Trace's new boyfriend and I had a short look around and we saw him with two other people sat down in the chill out area. I followed Trace and her boyfriend, said "Hi" to BigBiGuy and then looked at the other two people. It was BenchGirl and a fella. She flashed a smile, put her hand on the guy's arm and said "Hi". My face dropped. I went straight to Trace and told her I was going into the other room, downstairs and when I got there I sent her a text message asking if she knew that BenchGirl was going to be there and that I was leaving and going to Shark after I'd finished that drink.

I went straight to Shark and got a text from Trace saying that she had no idea that BenchGirl was going to be there and that I didn't have to leave, although she understood if I wanted to. I just replied with "I'm already gone".

I don't believe her.

Trace and BenchGirl are best friends. They live together. There's no way that BenchGirl didn't tell Trace that she was going to Cameo. No way at all. They text each other and phone each other about everything when they aren't together, so I don't believe her.

That was just fucking nasty!

I may have been seeing other people. I may have had one or two one night stands, but there's no way in hell that I would parade it in front of BenchGirl.

The worst thing was I could have gone into That's Right, a very small club in The Hometown, and met up with the girl who works in the On The Fence club (the one who's boobs I have sucked on those tuesday nights) and gone home with her. She was texting me to go in That's Right and I was just too pissed off, so I had to turn her down.

It now remains to be seen if Trace gets in touch, cos I don't think I want to talk to her.

She must have known BEnchGirl was going to be there.

Too nice ... Way too nice ...

2005-05-21T13:22:00.000Z

I'm talking to Trace again *sigh* ... One thing about my personality I really detest is the fact that I can't stay angry with people for long. I'm just too laid back. Trace talked to me nicely last night and I couldn't keep being angry, so we're friends again. I don't know if it will ever be the same as it was, but we are talking. It was much easier with BenchGirl being there cos I could be angry at her for longer. She has finished with Shrek and is now going out with another guy. She goes through people quicker than me!

I was hoping the DarkTwin (the girl from the other week who keeps looking at me as if she can't believe that I say and do the stuff I do) was going to be in The Bar last night and she was. I flirted with her something chronic and she was responding. I decided to go to Cameo, seeing as BenchGirl wasn't going to be there and I continued the flirting there, but then my cousin, R Kid, turned up and DarkTwin thought R Kid was with me! Bloody cousins! R Kid is a good looking, over friendly woman and she has put more women off me than I can count on all my digits. I love her to bits, but it is so annoying when she puts girls off me because she is overly touchy feely with me! Now, I'm going to have to wait for DarkTwin to come in again and start from scratch, ffs!

Anyway, I'll be out again tonight and I'll be on the prowl. Even if I am coughing and sneezing like an idiot. Where are those Beecham's Flu Plus tablets when I need em?!?!?

That which solitude brings forth ...

2005-05-20T09:05:00.000Z

On tuesday night, I had Boobs round at my house to escape from her home while some work was being performed on her house. I told her about the Glassy situation and she said it would be best to end it sooner, rather than later. I agreed. I didn't agree with her method, text Glassy with something akin to "It's over. See ya later x x x". That would have been awful. Boobs is definately wanting to become fuck buddies once her three month evaluation is finished, so she may have had an ulterior motive to wanting me and Glassy to finish (she knows I wouldn't do anything if I was seeing someone), but the essence of her argument was correct.

As you know, Glassy came round to my house on wednesday and I had decided that it would be right and fair to tell her then. She must have known something was different as we didn't kiss or "fight" as we usually do. Just sat down and talked and watched a film. Once the drink kicked in (vodka and red bull), I decided to jump in. I told her that I thought she was a really nice, sweet and attractive girl and that I enjoyed her company, but that I still had feelings for BenchGirl and I can't see me working through them any time soon. I said it just wasn't fair on her, seeing her but thinking about someone else. She took it very well, saying that if, when I had gotten over BenchGirl, she wasn't seeing anybody that we can have another try at seeing each other. I said we'd have to wait and see, but that I hoped she wouldn't turn any guys down on the off chance that I get over BenchGirl. She is so sweet! Why the hell couldn't I have clicked with her?!?!? But I didn't and I can't be with someone that I don't have strong feelings for otherwise I'd be cheating both myself and that girl. It just wouldn't be right.

I didn't go out last night as I have come down with a cold, but it won't stop me going in to work tonight. It will be the first night after BenchGirl was let go and I don't know if Trace will be there. I'm expecting something to be said. Possibly along the lines that I got Da Boss to fire BenchGirl, but I had nothing to do with it. I deliberately didn't say anything when Da Boss was talking about letting them go, as it would just sound like sour grapes on my part. I do agree that it would be best for the bar for BenchGirl to go, for the reasons that Da Boss said, not due to any bitter feelings I may have.

You know, sometimes I wonder if I should put my own moral standards aside one day and just tell people what I think. For just one day, knock the wall down that I have built up over the years and let people see the real me and hear my real thoughts. But, I doubt I'll ever do that.

The decisions you make today ...

2005-05-18T10:37:00.000Z

I have the unenviable task of ending things with Glassy tonight. Boobs McGinty visited me last night and I told her how I felt about Glassy and she said I had to end it. She also said that I should do it by text or over the phone and I can't do that. But, which is more awful? Glassy coming up to my house expecting us to be all girlfriendy/boyfriendy and being disappointed, or to finish her over a distance? I pretty much know what I'm going to say and I hope we can go back to being just friends. I also hope that she hasn't got too attached to me too quickly. I don't know why, but I tend to have that effect on girls. They either realise we aren't right for each other really quickly or they fall for me really quickly. I just don't have a clue why. I'm not what you would call an overly attentive man, I don't get in touch with my feelings much (except on here), I'm a pretty closed book until I fall for girls and I don't do that very often.

I just hope that I'm not going to hurt her.

I've just been checking up, on eBay, on the prices of DJ equipment. If I stay in this country then that is what I want to do. I also want to learn a trade, such as plumbing, so I have something to fall back on if the DJ'ing fails. I'm still uncertain what to do, but I have until the end of July to make those decisions and I'm not going to rush into things with it. This is the beginning of a new era in my life and I want things to work out this time. If nothing else, either way I'm not going to squander this money, like I did the last time that I came into a sizeable amount of money a few years ago. But, then again, The Queen Of All Bitches isn't here to help me squander it so I only have myself to blame if I do. I have to be smart with money, for the first time in my life. I have to say, though, it will be very difficult. I just keep seeing new phones that I would like, recordable DVD's, new computers, new tv's, new game consoles, new furniture and a myriad other things that I would absolutely adore to get my hands on. I'm not going to fritter it away! I'm going to invest it in DJ equipment to make money from it, or I'm going to use it to start a new life elsewhere. Nothing more!

Positively!

Absolutely!

But there is this fantastic plasma screen tv, 72", high definition, digital tv decoder built in ... MmmmMMmm ...

It's a long road, when you're on your own ...

2005-05-17T08:25:00.000Z

I found out, today, that I have been accepted for redundancy from The Day Job. It will be just the boost I need to get my life sorted out. Pay off some debts and start training in a new career (or two), have a holiday and settle down into a new life. Or ... Or, forget my debts, forget training and just use the money to disappear to a different country. I'm undecided. I don't want to stay in the Home Town for the rest of my life. Nor do I, indeed, want to to stay in the UK for the rest of my life. I'm now 34 years old and it's a bit late to be doing something so life changing, but I'm not completely decrepit.

It's a complete relief, probably the first time I've grinned so much at The Day Job for a long long time.

"In twilight's hue, I see so clear and night time's darkness holds no fear. Through daylight's fingers, hope has dawned, no longer tears for life once mourned."

The Geometry of Shadows ...

2005-05-15T17:18:00.000Z

Friday night I was feeling pretty good. For some reason, all day at The Day Job, I had been in a good mood, actually having fun with a couple of the other members of staff. So, when it cam to going to The Bar at night, I was prepared to weather the storm of Trace and BenchGirl's attitudes. When I got there, later than usual so that I wouldn't have to deal with either of them longer than I needed to, I found that they weren't there. Trace had called in a couple of days before saying that she had nobody to look after her children, but BenchGirl had called in only an hour before saying that she was going to the hospital with her sister-in-law. Da Boss told me that he had had enough of them both and that he was letting them go. I couldn't say anything either way as it would just have sounded like sour grapes. As it was, it was a pretty quiet night and I really enjoyed myself.

I went to Shark, after work and met up with Glassy who was absolutely hammered! She was so drunk, she could barely stand up. It was pretty embarrassing, but I didn't say anything bad to her, we all get that way sometimes if we are drinkers. However, not in relation to her drunken-ness, I kept feeling that it just didn't feel right with her. I don't know if it's a rebound thing, or whether it is just because we aren't compatible, but it just felt wrong. I think I'm going to have to finish it with her soon.

Saturday, I was the best man at my cousin's wedding. It went fantastically well and we all had a great time. It was really nice to see all the members of my family that I hadn't seen since the funeral of my Nanna. All in all, I have to say I did my very best for my cousin and I don't think many people will have anything to complain about. Things wound down, relatively, early on and I considered going down to The Bar and having a drink there before going to Shark, but I thought better of it and went to bed, quite drunk.

I found out, this morning, at my Third Job, that Da Boss has let BenchGirl go. She told Trace to tell him that she wasn't coming in last night, either. Da Boss said that she just need not bother coming in next week. I know it shouldn't, but it makes me smile thinking that she has lost her job. I feel awful thinking that.

Ich bin frei! ...

2005-05-13T10:10:00.000Z

I was thinking of having that as a tattoo, in German style lettering, but I went for the other one instead (photo still pending, I haven't had time to do one yet and I think I'll wait until it's fully healed).

Trace texted me yesterday wanting to get back to being friends. She said I was her best friend and that it was killing her not talking. I replied with something like the following:

"I'm sorry, but a real best friend: Would have told me I was being a shit that night, would not have ignored my calls the next morning, would have known there was something wrong for me to get that drunk, would contacted me and not left me, alone, in hospital for nearly 2 days and would have known that I wouldn't want to talk to an ex who had finished with me for such a bullshit reason ... My real best friend has seen me like that before and always knew what to do and say for me"

It may sound a bit nasty but I took an hour thinking about what to put before sending it. I can't be friends with Trace now that BenchGirl is living with her, I couldn't visit her knowing that BenchGirl would be there and that I couldn't hold her or kiss her.

Wednesday night I had Glassy round again. Seems like we are going to make a go of seeing each other and see what happens. Or, rather, were. I've been thinking. Glassy is a lovely girl, really special, but I just don't feel a spark. We drank and talked all night. We kissed and cuddled and it was fun, but it just felt hollow. We went to bed and, although the sex was quite good, there was something missing. At one point, she said she liked it rough and I just stopped. My mind and libido went blank. Rough up to what point? Does rough, for her, mean a little rough, or really rough? I know the bar was raised, significantly, with BenchGirl everything just happened so naturally, but I've never not known what to try or do before. It was strange. I think I'm going to have to tell Glassy that we can't be anything more than friends. I don't think I'm over BenchGirl at all and it's unfair to such a sweet girl to string her along. I'm back at The Bar tonight and she will be there and Glassy may be coming in to see me and I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything is just too complicated for me right now.

---------------------------------------------------

Additional: A new review is up, on my movies review page, for Kingdom of Heaven and I may post a review of Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy soon.

Si vis pacem, parabellum ...

2005-05-10T09:47:00.000Z

She kept trying, on Saturday night at work, to engage me in conversation and I would still not do it. The only problem being, that I'm not the kind of person to stay angry with anybody for long. It's just too much hassle being angry. I can feel my facáde cracking and I can see myself, eventually, talking to her normally. And I'll be buggered before I do that! I don't hate her, I just dislike her intensely now. I have no respect for her at all. I just wish she'd stop trying to talk to me. Maybe she could get really angry with me for being so ignorant with her? Hopefully.

I went to Shark after work while her, Trace and Cutie (of the Lovebirds) went to Cameo. Strop, Cutie's boyfriend, had gone home early as he was feeling unwell, so Cutie took advantage of the situation and went out. She was originally going to come to Shark with me, but BenchGirl and Trace managed to persuade her to go to Cameo instead. Am I supposed to be upset? Cutie would only have got in the way of my pulling. And, yes, I shared a kiss with yet nother lady on Saturday night, but nothing more than that and a few chats with girls.

I went out on Sunday with Boobs McGinty and her brother. It was okay, she was very friendly and flirty, but she's pregnant and she wasn't drinking so she didn't enjoy herself as much as she could have done. Apparently, she wants to make it a regular Sunday thing. I don't mind at all, all the guys have fecked off abroad so I have few people to go out drinking with.

Boobs was supposed to be coming to my house last night, but she couldn't make it. As soon as Boobs got off the phone, Glassy called me. So I picked her up instead and we had a fun night in watching movies, drinking and having a really good kissing session. We also continued the no-bullshit chat, she wanted to know what I "wanted" from her. I just told her straight up, yes I want to have sex with her and I enjoy her company (She has been much better company since that night, many moons ago, I think that night was a blip), but I'm unsure as to whether I want a relationship. I said, it wasn't going to be a "Sleep with her, then never speak again" situation. I said that I do want to see how things go. I don't want to lie to Glassy, she is too sweet to hurt like that, but I can't deny my attraction to her. The only problems with Glassy are that she is a lot younger than I am and her family. Her family being the largest sticking point. I've mentioned in previous posts that I don't like her mother and that Glassy is a completely different girl when she is away from her mother, but I don't want to ever get to a situation where she might think she has to choose between me and her family. It's a no-contest situation, family comes first.

I also got a new tattoo, yesterday. I'll post a pic as soon as I take one. I quite like it.

Zen and the art of being a twat ...

2005-05-07T10:55:00.000Z

And I don't mean a pregnant fish, either.

BenchGirl tried her very best to be friendly to me last night, but I wasn't having any of it. I've had a few days to go over things in my mind and I came to a revelation or two. For a start, I think BenchGirl wants to stay friends to make herself feel better about everything that has happened. She wants to divest herself of any guilt and I am not willing to allow her to do that. Let her suffer, that's what I say. Secondly, I have realised that the reasoning behind her finishing with me, the other wednesday, was complete bullshit. She was supposed to be in love with me. The things I did on that tuesday night were bad. I should never have allowed myself to get that drunk, but as Coach has said, it sounded like a party to him. When I get extremely drunk, I do get very loud. I'm an attention whore and when drunk I mistakenly believe that the louder I am, the more attention I get. I do have a tendency to do stupid things such as banging people's heads together. When drunk I tend to lose the capacity to be tidy, so flicking ash on the floor was stupid, but not to be not expected. Falling onto BenchGirl and finding it funny, is another typical thing I do while drunk. I have a tendency to find all kinds of things funny, even tragic things, while drunk (also while not drunk, but I smirk more, rather than laugh out loud) so laughing after falling on her was, again, to be expected. As to the throwing things, I do that all the time, it's part of the "Fuck it" mentality I have. Empty pack of cigarettes? Fuck it. (Throws pack over shoulder). Phone won't connect? Fuck it. (Throws phone across room onto convenient sofa). Cat scratches me, making me bleed? Fuck it. (Cat flys, screaming, across the room (I'm joking! ... I'd only throw her half-way across LOL)). So, I realised this week, that a. She can't possibly have really loved me and b. Anything I did on that night was "Withhold sex, or be angry with me for a while" situation, not a break up situation. So it was bullshit. It was all bullshit and I now have no respect for that girl at all. I, unfortunately, still love her and find her massively attractive, but I no longer want anything to do with her ever again.

Besides all that, I had a pretty good night in The Bar. A number of ladies showed me a lot of interest and I flirted with them, but I didn't take it too far. I may not like BenchGirl anymore, but I don't think it would be right pulling someone right in front of her. That's just wrong, regardless of whether she thinks it's wrong to do the same in front of me. She may be a bitch, but I'm not (well, not all the time). One girl, in particular, caught my eye. She is a twin and when I make jokes and flirt with her, she always has this incredulous look on her face as if she can't believe the things I do or say. She has that look in a good way, though, if you can understand what I mean. I teased her a bit last night and she held my hand as I gave her the change from her round of drinks. She wouldn't let go and told me that I am gorgeous. Of course, I agreed with her ("I know!"). The only pity about it is, that she goes to Cameo with her friends and her sister, whereas I go to Shark after work. I'm not going into Cameo just to see BenchGirl slut it sround in front of me, so I'll hold off going in there until I have a girl on my arm or until she stops working in The Bar and, thereby, stops going out after work. But I really want to get to know that girl (I know her name, but I can't think of a nick for her yet) so I may have to swallow my pride and go into Cameo one weekend, just to chat her up.

Shark was absolutely packed and I met up with a number of people that I know, including a few girls that there is mutual attraction with. The surprise of the night came when I found Glassy in there, with her friends and her mother. Glassy came into The Bar for the first time since the birth of her boy, a couple of weeks back, and she looked good. It wasn't a surprise that she was there, but it was a surprise when she found an excuse to kiss me. So, we kissed quite a lot and we had a good, no bullshit, chat. Seems that she would have slept with me ages ago, but she thought I would have only done it once and moved on to the next conquest. She was only half right. I'd have slept with her a few times and then moved on LOL ... I'm gonna try one more time to get her in bed (possibly this wednesday night) and then I'm giving in on that one. There's also Boobs McGinty, who is constantly texting me, is becoming more conduscive to the idea of being fuck buddies, is coming out with me on Sunday to Yell and may be coming to my house on Monday night. So, I'm going to have a full week, by the looks of it. Huzzah!

Is this the real life ...?

2005-05-06T09:13:00.000Z

Oh! My! God!

I woke up this morning to find the lesbian girl in bed beside me and a wet patch in the bed.

Rebound is a bitch!

If I can't remember her getting there or what we did, how the hell did I manage to perform? Apparently I did, much to her satisfaction, and I also managed to perform anal sex with her. Great. The first time I ever do anal sex and I can't remember it! Fucking typical!

I remember up to the point of going into Shark. I remember Trace and Shrek coming into Yell, earlier in the night and her texting me (while I was in there) asking if we were still friends and to go up and talk to her. I went to the bar, got another drink and passed her just shaking my head. It may seem callous, but she should have thought about our friendship before ignoring me on that wednesday. I don't think I would have been so down enough to attempt suicide if she had been a true friend and talked to me. All it would have taken was a conversation along the lines of:

Ring ring ...
"Mate, you were a complete twat, last night."
"Was I? What the fuck did I do?!?!"
"Well ..." etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

But, instead, she chose to ignore my text and my attempt to phone her. That's not a friend.

Anyway, my bedpost is now one notch for the better, whether I actually find the lesbian girl attractive or not, we had sex. That goes down as a plus in the "getting over BenchGirl" column.

If I remember any more about last night,I will iterate it, but I can't see the mind unclouding any time soon :-S

Wanting that early bath ...

2005-05-05T12:25:00.000Z

I'm not better, as you would define it. I still want to die and I will kill myself, eventually, just not quite right now. There are too many people keeping an eye on me. I had to tell the boss at the Day Job about what had happened. I was a little late for work and I got a phone call to make sure I was okay! Coach doesn't know what happened, I haven't told him and I don't intend to let him know. Yet, he is concerned for reasons he cannot understand, and he has been in contact a lot more than he has been recently. Other friends and aquaintances have called round or phoned, or texted to make sure I am okay. Boobs McGinty has been especially concerned. Barely a day or night has gone by without some kind of communication with her. Bless her. I don't want to go back out with her, but I've made it clear that I'll seduce her at the first opportunity. Oh, and she is pregnant. She is too far gone for the child to be mine, but her (now ex) boyfriend doesn't believe it's his and she is having to go it alone with the child.

As to Trace and BenchGirl ... Trace hasn't been in touch since saturday night when I got a text asking how I could act like I have done around her after all we had been through. I just replied that I was saying nothing as nothing I would say would make a blind bit of difference. I didn't say that, if I had done something wrong, I would expect a friend to tell me straight up that I had done wrong, not ignore my texts and phone calls (a lá, wednesday morning before the incident). I didn't tell her that I would expect a friend to get in contact at least once while I was lying in hospital after an overdose. I didn't say that I would expect a friend to not talk about going out on the pull with her friend's ex, regardless of whether that ex is also her friend. I didn't say that I would expect a friend not to take the piss by shouting out something that I had said while upset (specifically, when I was told about my actions I said, "I can't remember what I did!"), to BenchGirl on the other side of The Bar!

BenchGirl had texted sporadically during the latter half of the week. No indication of whether she wanted to try again, then on sunday she came to my house before I left for my third job. She offered a number of platitudes, tried to say that she hadn't been winding me up and talking about going out looking for guys, that she did still care, even if she didn't want to see me any more and that she still wanted to be friends. I told her that I didn't believe her and that there was no chance that I was going to remain friends with her. I will absolutely not stand around being friendly as I watch her chat up other guys. I will not sit there and listen to her if she has problems with these guys. I cannot remain friends with someone that I am still in love with! She wanted to make sure I wasn't going to do anything stupid and I told her that I can'tpromise her that. She specifically said she didn't want me to die because of her and I said it wasn't because of her, it's my choice, my decision and my life! I will do with it what I want to and she has nothing to do with it. It was obvious that she was still not interested in trying again, so I just said if she wasn't their to try again then I didn't want her in my house at all. She left soon after and I haven't heard from her since. And I'm glad.

Tonight I am going out for the first time since saturday night, after work. I have nobody to go drinking with, but I am determined I am not going to become a recluse and a hermit just because she has finished with me. I'll stand in the bars on my own all night if I have to, but I am going out.

But I am still going to kill myself ... Not right now, but someday soon.

Don't panic!

2005-05-04T07:54:00.000Z

I'm still here. I'm just collecting my thoughts over recent events. Normal transmission will resume as soon as possible. Please be patient, you're continued custom is very important to us. You are number 245 in the queue. Have a nice day.

Meanwhile, here is some music.

{strains of the aria from Madame Butterfly}

Match postponed due to outside interference ...

2005-04-30T00:52:00.000Z

I had asked her if it was over. She said, "Can you blame me?". I didn't know, I couldn't remember a thing. All I know is that, usually, people think I'm so laid back I scrape my head on the floor. "I can't be with someone who scares me." she said. There was nothing I could say. I closed my clamshell phone and threw it on to the other sofa in my house. I couldn't stop crying, not only because I had now lost BenchGirl, but also because I couldn't cope with the possibility that someone would be scared of me. Trouble at work, having to cope with BenchGirl and Trace's problems, the continuing problems for my best friend, Coach, the anniversary of my father's death and all the little tiny things that build on top of you. They weighed me down, I couldn't do it anymore and that's when I started taking the tablets. Half way through (ish) I texted Trace apologising for that night and for being such a bad friend.

The 100th tablet slid down my throat with the cold water. I felt elated. Finally, I was to be free. It was going to be over. Never again. I had another cigarette, my last, before I started on the last 100 tablets. A knock came at the door. Another and another, each louder than the one before. I heard a voice saying they would have to call the police, but I didn't want that. I opened the door to find Trace and BenchGirl outside.I hadn't had enough time to hide the pills and I couldn't leave them outside. "How many have you taken?", "Not enough.". It wasn't a cry for help, why did she think it was? An ambulance arrived a few minutes later. "Are you going to come to hospital with us?", "Do I have to?", "It's either that or we have to contact the police.", "Fine.".

The hospital asked me all the right questions. I fet fine, the tablets hadn't affected me. A charcoal drink to neutralise the pills. BenchGirl and Trace arrived totally angry with me, but I couldn't be consoled. I had made my decision. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. They left soon after, still angry. I didn't care.

A night in the hospital, occasional blood tests, occasional blood pressure and heart rate tests. I was fine. Nothing had worked. A text from BenchGirl in the afternoon. I told her that if they didn't discharge me I was going to walk out. No reply. No texts after I was discharged. Nothing.

I have spent almost three days alone and isolated. I have no more pills, I'll have to restock. Hopefully tomorrow. Maybe not today.

I went to work, I couldn't let Da Boss down. The atmosphere was thick. They tried talking to me, but they were also talking loudly between themselves about going out and trying to pull some guys together. I don't deserve that.

I want to die. Why can't I die? 100 ibuprofen! The staff at the hospital, obviously, couldn't believe I was still here! WHY CAN'T I DIE?!?!?!

It will happen. Soon. I apologise to you all, but I have to go. I may continue on if my mood changes, but I don't want it to. If I never return, I'm sorry. I couldn't keep going. It's all too much.

Thankyou for reading my blog. I don't wish that I'll be here again, but I may chicken out and continue blogging.

You've been a beautiful audience.

"I'm only laughing on the outside, my smile is just skin deep. If you could see me on the inside, crying, you might join me for a weep."

God and I had an appointment ...

2005-04-29T16:26:00.000Z

You will probably (those of you who actually read this blog and I thank you for it) be a little cranky with me when I exhort the movings and shakings of the last few days.

A bit of background, perhaps? Monday, I was invited to help Trace move into her new home, unfortunately I couldn't get time off work so I said I would go afterwards. To help Trace and take the opportunity to see BenchGirl. BenchGirl called me during the day and was telling me about the arguments that she had been having with her ex, she seemed quite distraught and I did my best to console her over the phone. When I finally got to Trace's, BenchGirl was laid on the floor, asleep, an empty bottle of Lambrini beside her. She had texted me and asked me to bring her a bottle of the same stuff. I couldn't wake her, while her children and Trace's children were running riot outside. I couldn't find Trace anywhere and the children told me she was at the new house, not too far away. Checking that house I found no answer so I returned to the old one, where BenchGirl was still fast asleep. I was annoyed as it would have been nice to spend time with BenchGirl awake! Trace finally arrived along with her boyfriend, both flushed, so I assumed they had been having sex while the children were running around unsupervised. No sooner had Trace entered the house when BenchGirl woke up. Almost immediately they had arranged to go take Shrek home and get food for the children. Unfortunately, two of the children would have to be left behind and I was expected to watch over them while they returned. Annoyance number two. I don't like to be expected to do things. They came back 45 minutes later and barely said a word. In the meantime, my annoyance and depression had caused me to tell one of the children that I wasn't actually a nice guy, I was a not very nice guy. It didn't occur to me that this would be a bad thing to say, seeing as children are usually told to stay away from guys of the not nice variety!

I blew my stack, inwardly, when BenchGirl walked in, passed me by without even looking at me and went into the other room to eat her food. I left, hastily. She followed me out and persuaded me to go back in saying that she had enough on her plate with her ex and the move. The following time was very strained.

The next day was the 9th anniversary of my father's death and she phoned me up scolding me big time about my remarks to the children. I apologised profusely but it didn't stop her from having a virtual fit with me. Annoyance number three. I detest it when people won't accept a heartfelt apology. Later in the day she texted and asked if I was stopping at Trace's house for drinks. I said I'd rather not, if the atmosphere over the remark was going to get in the way. She blew her top at that too and ended up at my house arguing about that too. I eventually went down, taking some drinks. I was upset with the past two days tautness between BenchGirl and I, I was upset through the bad time of year and I was upset with happenings at work. I started drinking quickly and heavily, eventually being led to a cab, to go home and sleep it off.

Wednesday morning and I had booked the day off to spend time with BenchGirl and her children. I sent a text asking if I had done anything embarrassing. No answer. I phoned her, she let the phone move on to it's answerphone. I phoned Trace with the same result. Again I texted her and asked her if I'd done something to upset her and got a reply saying "Who, me or Trace?". I said, both, seeing as neither was answering me. I phoned again and this time she answered. Apparently I had been a bit of shit. When I got there, I apparently looked at them both with barely concealed hatred, I was throwing things, flicking ash on the floor, shouting (even after being asked to keep it down because of the children), banged BenchGirl and Trace's heads together, fell on BenchGirl very hard and finally puked my guts up in Trace's loo. She said they had slept in the same room as they were scared that I was going to come back and "do something". I actually got home and giggled myself to sleep after the litre of vodka and Red Bull I had drunk. I was shocked and upset at my actions, especially hearing that they had been scared of me. I got off the phone sent an apologetic text to BenchGirl then found my stash of Ibuprofen, newly stocked up.

I lined the tablets up in rows of fifty and started to take them. Using water this time so I wouldn't collapse half way through. I sent Trace an apologetic text too and continued taking the tablets.

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 ... Half way through, time for a cigarette. 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 ... Time for another cigarette, only another 100 to go.

To be continued as I have to get ready for work at The Bar and the first sight of BenchGirl and Trace since Wednesday dinner time ...

Labours of love ...

2005-04-26T09:19:00.000Z

It's been a few days, I know, but I haven't been able to post anything for a few days. I'm not bored with blogging, I have just been fighting against my depression and I couldn't be asked. I've just wanted to sleep and drink tons of alcohol.

BenchGirl has left her fiancé again and is finding it very difficult. He has taken it especially hard and is blaming her entirely for the break up. Although it was BenchGirl who initiated the break up, her ex had a lot to do with it too. He had fallen into a rut of working, coming home, spending half an hour with the children then going onto X-Box Live to play games for the rest of the night. I know this for certain as I have been to the house and met him a few times (he thinks I'm gay) and whenever BenchGirl has texted or phoned him while I've been around, the inevitable answer to the question "What are you doing?", was, "Playing X-Box with my mate" ... That mate is around constantly. One time, BenchGirl got a text saying, "How come you're out so much? Why don't you come home and spend some time with me and Jeff (Name changed, obviously)?". WTF?!?!? Why didn't she come home and spend some time with him and his mate?!?!?

BenchGirl's ex believed that it was her place to be there on a morning to make his snacks for work, be home at lunch to make him his food and be home in the evening with his dinner on the table. He also expected her to do all the cleaning and tidying. All this while she was supposed to be looking after the children too. How Victorian is that? Once again, I know this for fact, rather than heresay from BenchGirl, as I have seen the texts, heard the phone calls and seen it with my own eyes. I'm not saying that BenchGirl is right for cheating on him with me, but she still maintains that I am not the cause of the break up, only an effect. A good effect, as she puts it. It's a little strained for us at the moment, but I'm hoping we can coast through these initial problems to have a true relationship soon. It's not often that anybody starts a relationship in such a difficult position, but others have made it through and I'm determined that we shall too.

"Born on different sides of life, we fear the same and feel all of this strife."

apologetica gigantica ...

2005-04-19T09:10:00.000Z

Terribly sorry about the morose nature of yesterday's post. The depression was threatening to grab me severely over the BenchGirl situation and problems at work, among other things. Something occured later in the day to instantly drag me out of it, which I'll relate later in this post.

Saturday at The Bar was a little chaotic, as neither Trace nor BenchGirl came in. Trace due to discomfort from her operation on wednesday and BenchGirl due to an infection she had somewhere delicate. We all managed to pull through and, surprisingly finished early. Mel, my ex, came in and swapped numbers with me again and asked if I was going to find her when I got into Cameo. She sent me a text while I was at The Bar, saying "Hi there, sexy". When I got to Cameo, she pretty much ignored me and she hasn't replied to a text I sent her, late on sunday, so I'm pretty sure now that she is teasing me. C'est la vie!

Sunday, I visited Yell and sang some more songs. I like to sing different ones every time, if I can, but I sang Through The Barricades again as the Oirish Girl behind Yell's bar wasn't working thursday and didn't hear it. I didn't sing it as well this time, but it still went down well with everybody. I must have had about 4 people wanting to sing duets with me! It's nice to be popular. It was Stallion's last sunday night set before he goes abroad to join the other DJ's in the sun and he kicked ass with the music he played, doing some fantastic mixes. Tonight is the final Tuesday Night Social too. What the hell am I going to do on tuesday nights now?!?!?

Yesterday was terrible. It just goes to show when the demon depression comes calling it doesn't matter how happy you have been previously, it just takes hold and won't let go ... Usually. I couldn't help but think about BenchGirl and what I had appeared to have lost. It was like my heart and soul had been ripped from me. I tried, very hard, last week to get her out of my system. I was very debauched! Yet, the whole time, whether I was with friends or with various girls, it was BenchGirl that was in my mind. BenchGirl who occupied my thoughts and BenchGirl that I imagined was kissing me, having sex with me. I had pretty much decided to make a run for it. Put my escape plan into operation and leave for good. Until, that is, I got a phone call as I was leaving work. Her voice sent flutters through my stomach and heart. She is leaving her fiance. She's doing all the preparation now and will be putting the plan into action within the next week. She came to my house last night where we fell into each others arms and wouldn't let go. I love her and I would probably forgive her almost anything. Almost. I can understand her trying to make things work with her fiance, she has children with him. I can forgive that, easily. I just want to be with her as much as I can and I hope, this time, she doesn't string me along and leave me hanging again, because next time I will not forgive her and I will not take her back.

For the moment, I'm happy. The future is not set and it will be interesting to see what unfolds in the pattern.

2005-04-18T10:23:00.000Z

Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless Pathetic Worthless

PATHETIC

WORTHLESS

The day after ...

2005-04-16T15:31:00.000Z

Last night was a much calmer affair than Thursday night. I'd been exchanging text messages with Boobs McGinty for most of the afternoon. She was saying how she wished we had not split up and wanted to know why we had. I was honest with her and told her about the whole snogging and arse touching incidents on that night. She also wanted to know why I'd taken her home even after seeing what I had. I told her because I thought I'd be able to get over the betrayal, but I wasn't honest about that. I was just horny and needed sex that night before I dumped her the next day. Awful, I know. She was obviously wanting to get back together, but I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship right now, that I was still finding it difficult getting over BenchGirl and that I really just wanted to have a few fun sexy encounters for now. Strangely enough, she's still texting me, even though she isn't looking for just sex, but a relationship. Strange that.

BenchGirl didn't turn up at The Bar. I expected this. She obviously can't accept responsibility for her actions and would rather run away from things than confront them. She must not know me very well as I wouldn't treat her any differently from when we hadn't done anything. I'd still have a laugh and a boogie, I just wouldn't mention anything about us unless she initiated the conversation. I don't resent the girl. I'm disappointed that she can't come straight out with it and say "It was fun, but it's done". It remains to be seen if she attends work tonight, or ever again, for that matter. My money is on her quitting The Bar and me, probably, never seeing her again. So much for her saying she'd made a mistake and that she wished she'd chosen me! LOL

The Bar was fun. I was like a bitch on heat, chatting up loats of women, even though the talent pool was shallow last night. I had one pair of women talking to me:

"Are you single?"
"Oh yes!"
"How'd you like to have fun with two horny women?"
"Definately ... I don't come cheap though ... I'm a slut, but I'm an expensive slut"
I added a wink and a cheeky smile.
"Well, you'll have to catch us in the club then."
"I certainly will."

When I got to the club, I didn't see them. Although, to be honest, I probably wouldn't have recognized them if they were there. Still, it was fun flexing those flirting muscles.

I went to Cameo after work and it was pretty much dead, though I did still stay till the end. And, yet again, I couldn't get drunk. This is becoming frustrating!

All game, no shame ...

2005-04-15T09:13:00.000Z

I went to Yell earlier than usual, last night, and it was a bit quiet to begin with. I was surprised to see my ex, Boobs McGinty, out as she usually doesn't come out on a Thursday. I was also surprised to see that she was with my cousin (not R Kid, another one. I have quite a few cousins). I totally kicked ass on the kara-jokey, singing Everybody's Talking first and then following on with Through The Barricades, by Spandau Ballet. Honestly (and I don't usually blow my own trumpet like this), I sang the second one like a fecking pro! I had people coming up to me saying that I was a really good singer and two people actually said I should go for Pop Idol! Yeah, right! Like I'm gonna let Simon Cowell shoot me down in flames on national television o_O ... I sang another song, but I can't remember what song it was. Doh! So, anyway, by the time Stallion and I moved on to Cameo, I was really pumped and buzzing.

Cameo is a really raucus night on Thursdays, with the resident DJ's playing all kinds of games and everybody has loads of fun. At about one o'clock, it's a regular thing to have topless hour. And it does exactly what it says on the tin, too. By that time, though, Boobs had come up to me and started talking to me, she was absolutely cained! She was asking why we had split up and whether I was single. She also said she had recently split up from her fella, so, straight away, my single-girl-radar started pinging. We went on the dancefloor and joined everybody taking their tops off. Boobs went one further than the other girls and took her bra off too, showing her lovely boobs to all and sundry. She had many, many guys coming up and taking pictures with their cam-phones and some have already made it onto the net, with me grinning along side her.

Sometimes, life can be so good! He he he. :-D

------------------------------------------------------

Ooh! Just remembered the third song! It was, When You Say Nothing At All, by some guy but Ronan Keating sang it a couple of years ago. I sang that really well too.

Come on!!!!!! LOL

Hmmmm ...

2005-04-13T21:07:00.000Z

The Tuesday Night Social was great fun. Different from when Hairy was here (he's just recently moved abroad), but fun none-the-less. I was a little disappointed as I just could not get drunk! I drank like a fish and I was barely even tipsy by the end of the night.

We ended up in Bigs nightclub where we met up with quite a few people we know, including a really young lass who works in the On The Fence club in the Hometown. We shared a kiss and a bit of a grope and I'm wondering if I should pursue her. I'd love to get her in bed and see what she's like.

As you can probably tell, I've pretty much given up on BenchGirl. She didn't contact me at all yesterday and she only contacted me today because I was accompanying Trace to the hospital. BenchGirl suffers from depression, as I do, and she was particularly down today, but she gave me no indication as to whether our liaison is going to continue. So, I'm taking it that it has ended and if she thinks different, she can let me know. In the meantime, I'm going to perform my duties as a male slut to the best of my abilities. I won't be turning any girl down, at all, from now on.

Never ending or beginning ...

2005-04-11T08:24:00.000Z

Know I really know how they felt. The girls I was seeing when I used to cheat on my partners. The need to contact her. The need to just hear her voice. But I can't, because I never know when she is going to be alone until she gets in touch with me.

Things were a little strained on saturday night as BenchGirl had reason to believe some of her partners friends would be out and may see us and say something. We snatched the occasional cuddle when we could, a quick kiss, a surreptitious holding of hands. It was frustrating. I walked home after the club, having left BenchGirl in a taxi home, feeling lost and unwanted. It was made all the more bothersome because I had talked to an old aquaintance who was, quite obviously, attracted to me, but I had to keep my distance. No, I don't know why I should feel that I should keep my distance, either! The situation with BenchGirl isn't a relationship, it's not even the embryo of a relationship. Not until she actually leaves her partner for good and I'm not sure that will happen. I should not be holding out and waiting for her, but I am. How stupid is that?

BenchGirl and Trace stopped off, yesterday morning while I was working at my third job, and I was a little cold and uninterested. Perhaps, if I don't show her the affection and attention she needs, she may see that more has to be done to keep me dangling. The thing is, although I'm taking this sitting down at the moment, there will come a time (and soon) where I will just throw my arms up in the air and have me some fun with the next faceless ship in the night. I won't hang around forever, I don't do that anymore, but I will give her a fair chance to ramp up the status quo. If she doesn't, then I have to move on. I'm too old to be waiting months, or even weeks, for someone like I did with Psycho Internet Woman from last year.

"I realised that I was totally, madly in love with one person and it wasn't the person stood next to me in the veil, it was the person standing in front of me, in the rain."

Like a wheel within a wheel ...

2005-04-09T14:06:00.000Z

Trace was discharged from hospital yesterday after being informed that she has polycystic ovaries. She has a cyst on one of her ovaries and has been given medication for the problem. Although everything is technically fine, she was still in considerable pain and discomfort. However, she still went to work at The Bar, where BenchGirl and I persuaded her to go home to rest. She would have been neither use nor ornament if she had stayed. As it happened it gave BenchGirl and I the opportunity to work together at one end of The Bar and we took advantage of that situation as best we could. The Lovebirds had returned from their sabbatical which was ... nice (being extremely polite at this point).

I don't know what to say as regards the BenchGirl situation. I'm not so love confused that I can't see that the chances of being with her totally are slim at the moment, if not non-existant in the future. I just hold her in my arms and feel complete. At peace. I've been asked a number of times whether I'd be comfortable taking on her children if that situation arose, but I look at it differently. BenchGirl and her children are all part of the same package. I can't have BenchGirl alone, she is her children and her children are her. You can't have one without the other. It would be like saying "I love everything about her, but I don't like her feet. I'll take her, but not her feet.". It just wouldn't happen. I get on well with her children, they are less annoying than many children I have met, and they appear to like me. I just can't wait to see her again and to hold her in my arms once again.

"Mother is the name for god in the hearts and minds of children."

Like a circle in a spiral ...

2005-04-08T16:14:00.000Z

A phone call, after work, found me driving to the hospital. Trace, who recently found she was pregnant, had been having bad stomach cramps and was taken to the hospital to be safe. Luckily, it wasn't a miscarriage, but she is waiting for tests to see if the pregnancy is ectopic. It wasn't tense as she was in the best place for her, but it was stressful as both her children and BenchGirl's children were there and didn't understand the need to be good and quiet. I'm now waiting for news to see what is wrong with her and whether anything needs to be done.

As you have probably surmised, BenchGirl was also there. That situation was tense. I didn't know how to act around her, so I just stood at a distance and reacted mainly to Trace and the children. When BenchGirl went to the bathroom, Trace told me that she had been asking about me, been upset and crying for the past few days. She said BenchGirl had made a mistake going back to her fiancé and she was now regretting it. I didn't know what to say. I can't just hang around waiting for her, but I do want to. It's difficult for Trace, too, as she is a piggy-in-the-middle with us. Getting my story from one side and BenchGirl's story from the other. Eventually, the doctor came to examine Trace and recommended an overnight stay. I needed to get ready for my Thursday Night Social and BenchGirl had to get home to her fiancé and do all the necessary things that she does at night.

Stood outside the hospital, having one last cigarette before leaving we had a talk. She admitted she had made a mistake, that she loved me and wanted to be with me. I couldn't say anything to push her to a decision. If she stays with him or leaves him, it really has to be her choice, her decision alone. I can't make her decisions for her. We exchanged cuddles and kissed for what could be the very last time. Held each other for so long, it felt like we had melted into one person. Neither of us wanted to let go. Neither of us wanted to leave and go back to Humdrumsville, UK.

I got home, got ready and went straight out to Yell, where I sang and danced and flirted the night away. I tried very hard to forget about BenchGirl. Tried, very hard, not to worry for Trace. Yet, even through my drink addled haze, the words of Careless Whisper (which I sang, not amazingly well, but comfortably) struck chord after chord.

"We could have been so good together; we could have made this last forever"

Per ardua, ad astra ...

2005-04-07T08:41:00.000Z

I didn't think it would be this hard. I knew, from the very beginning, that it was destined to end quickly, that it was probably only going to be a passionate fling. I'm missing her. I miss the way her hair falls in front of her eyes. I miss her speech mannerisms. I miss the little flash in her eyes when she's just about to do something cheeky or when she's getting angry. I miss the way we would examine each other's hands as we held each other. I miss the smell and texture of her hair. I miss the car spotting game we would play. I miss how we could just sit there listening to music and not have to speak to fill the gap. I miss the sigh she would give as she leaned in to me and laid her head upon my chest. I miss how I, somehow, knew when she was going to text me or phone me.

I miss her.

I thought I was doing fine (Fearful, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional). I had gone into my defensive survival mode and become cold-hearted, but it isn't working this time. I started playing that song (see previous post) to get used to it so I could sing it at karaoke tonight, but I just kept remembering BenchGirl and all we had done in such a short space of time.

I'm trying so very hard to be an adult about all this. Children do what they want to, adults do what they must do. The Japanese have a word for this. It's called Giri. Japanese About.com explains it thus: "The most basic definition one can give giri is a debt of gratitude and a self-sacrificing pursuit of their happiness. " I can't explain it any better myself. I want BenchGirl to be happy and if that is with her fiance and not me, then that is how it should be.

I need to move on. I need to divorce myself of these feelings and find someone new. A Miss Right-Now would do fine.

Through adversity, to the stars.

A song I'm listening to ...

2005-04-06T00:11:00.000Z

I absolutely love this song. Just lately it's stuck in my head.

Careless Whisper - George Michael

I feel so unsure,
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor.
As the music dies...
Something in your eyes,
Calls to mind a silver screen,
And all those sad goodbyes.

Chorus:
I'm never gonna dance again,
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.
I should have no better than to cheat a friend,
And waste the chance that I'd been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I danced with you.

Time can never mend,
The careless whispers of a good friend.
To the heart and mind,
Ignorance is kind...
There's no comfort in the truth,
Pain is all you'll find.

Chorus
I'm never gonna dance again,
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.
I should have no better than to cheat a friend,
And waste the chance that I'd been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I danced with you.

What am I without your love?

Tonight the music seems so loud,
I wish that we could lose this crowd.
Maybe it's better this way,
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say.

We could have been so good together,
We could have made this last forever...
But now, who's gonna dance with me?
Please stay.

Chorus

Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone
Was what I did so wrong?
So wrong that you had to leave me alone?

Gazing into the abyss ...

2005-04-05T13:03:00.000Z

I return, with great woe and sadness, to this bane of my existence. The Day Job. A hateful place, full of faux middle-class people who believe themselves to be far superior to meer mortals in ordinary jobs. A place of undiluted boredom, of unmitigated laissez faire. It is a contemptible place. A dreary place. It wearies me with it's incompetent management. It tires me with it's unceasing attempts to bouy it's pathetic target areas with post-californian new age managemental thinking, that, by the time it reaches our management, the Californians have abandoned the ideas with relish for the next form of "build business quick" scheme.

I hate the place. I detest it's smell, the feel of the items we deal with, the sounds emanating from it's stark, yet cluttered, halls.

"Just when you think you're out, they drag you right back in." - Don Michael Corleone, The Godfather part III.

Back from the dead ...

2005-04-04T12:17:00.000Z

It's been a very strange couple of weeks. BenchGirl and I had our little fling, which has sadly ended. I'm a little upset, but I'll get over it. Life goes on and whatnot. I still have some memories and some very deep scratch marks on my back to show for it (from our last and most amazing sex session). It is a pity as we were compatible in so many ways. The sex was just mind-blowing. I've never been as sexually compatible with someone as I was with her. Unfortunately she wants to make a go of it with her fiance and I can't blame her for that. I'm not sure she will continue working at The Bar, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I'll treat her just the same way that I treat everybody else, but I don't think she could handle it, to be honest.

I don't feel any resentment or anger. I don't feel used or abused. I just feel that it's the same old story and I'll just move on to the next one. Life goes on.

I didn't stop flirting and talking to other girls this time (I had a tendency to back off from other women, previously), so I think I still have possibilities for future entanglements. Move on, live my life, meet other girls. And drink, lots and lots of drink. Beer is king! LOL

I won a karaoke competition at Yell last night. A crate of Fosters just for me. Woohoo! It was fun and I do think I sang the best I have for quite a while. I get better. If only I wanted to stop smoking (but I don't), my voice would be much better.

Anyways, I just thought I'd post something as I haven't in a while. More things to come as the scumbag is back and he's hungry for more.

Just a quickie ...

2005-03-27T03:06:00.000Z

I'm just doing a quick entry here.

BenchGirl update: I met up with her and Trace, again, before work and everything was fine. Not as full-on as yesterday, but it was okay. Things at The Bar were much the same as yesterday except that an ex of mine, Mel, came in. I think it was obvious from the moment she walked in, to everybody, that I still have something for Mel. She was amazing and I fucked everything up with her. She moved on and had a kid, I moved on and met TQOAB. Guess I got the short shrift on that one, but I take it as a suitable punishment for messing things up with Mel. BenchGirl wasn't happy and things were a bit strained, not really bad but you could tell, for the rest of the night. Things weren't helped by BenchGirl having a fall later and she hurt her back and her arm. She did come out with me and Trace but she had to go home early as she was in a lot of pain.

The thing I want to mention before I go to bed is about Mel. She asked for my number, again, and, later, said she had texted me. I came home and turned my phone on straight away, but, up to now, no text message. I can't even begin to say how gutted I am. I am really, really, upset about it. I would do anything to get back with Mel, BenchGirl wouldn't even get a look-in, but it looks like she's playing with me. It looks like she's getting my hopes up on purpose, just to dash them again. I can understand that. After what I did (which wasn't amazingly bad. I kissed a girl while I was seeing her, while she was in the same club. It's bad, but I could have done much worse!), I think she is justified in making me suffer, even a little bit. I just really wish that I could make it up to her and get back with her. I guess I'm just in a dream world about her. I have always thought, "You should never go back", but I would for Mel. Messing things up with her is one of the biggest mistakes in my life and I just wish I could, at least, be forgiven by her.

Expected frustration ...

2005-03-26T13:43:00.000Z

I met up with BenchGirl, Trace and Trace's new boyfriend (I've been a bit pre-occupied and not mentioned much of external happenings lately. My apologies) in a pub in the centre of Hometown. I got there a little early to find Coach and his partner in the pub. What a surprise! I haven't seen Coach for a few days and it was great catching up with him. He's apparently started learning to drive and he is a bit frustrated as he has a tendency to need to be in control of things and to be good at those things straight away. He's doing well, so his partner said, but he feels he should be doing better. He'll get it soon, he is quick at picking up things. We talked about my thing with BenchGirl and his partner wasn't impressed that I was doing such a thing. She seems to forget that she started seeing Coach when he was with somebody else. Coach has confidence that I'll be able to handle the whole situation.

BenchGirl, Trace and Shrek (Trace's new man), joined us and BenchGirl was extremely affectionate. Quite a turn about from Thursday, considering we were in the same pub where she was stand offish before. We had a couple of drinks before we moved on to The Bar where we continued to be affectionate towards each other. I got quite excited a number of times and didn't mind as I believed that we would be doing something later that night. We were not very subtle and before long, everybody else in The Bar could tell something was going on between us. Work passed by so very slowly and a number of times I noticed that BenchGirl was slightly unhappy about my flirting with customers. Most notably when the Shaggy Dolls came in. I had mentioned that I sing with Shaggy Dolls in Yell on Thursdays and Sundays and she appeared to be overly curious about the relationship. I look at it this way; BenchGirl and I aren't together, we're akin to fuckbuddies and she has someone already. I'm not going to stop looking for someone of my own and if she thinks I am going to be exclusive to her, she is sadly mistaken!

We went to Cameo, after work, which is where Shrek works. In Cameo, BenchGirl reverted to the stand offish attitude she had on Thursday but did, occasionally reach out to hold my hand and to touch me sometimes. At the end of the night, we left Trace with Shrek and BenchGirl and I walked back to her street (I couldn't walk her all the way home, for obvious reasons). She talked all the way back and we shared a quick kiss before I left her to walk back to my home. I was unsatisfied and frustrated. It remains to be seen what she is going to be like tonight at The Bar.

On Sunday I will be driving Hairy to a DJ gig some distance from the Hometown, which means I won't be seeing the regular crowd and that I won't be able to drink. *sigh* The things one does for friends!

Discompassionate passion ...

2005-03-25T14:34:00.000Z

I saw BenchGirl, yesterday, for the first time since the Monday night "incident". We met up for a few drinks in a local pub, where we sat outside avoiding public attention until it started raining, then we went to a different, quieter, pub a little further away.

Her body language was completely off, very much passionless for a girl who had been sending me texts everyday and pretty raunchy ones at that. I expect it could be explained away as she was avoiding looking as if there was anything untoward between us in case someone she, or her fiance, knew came in. It just made me feel that she wasn't interested anymore.

We had a good long chat about her and her past. She has had a very difficult life. So, I sat there listening to her, adding encouragements, little musings. No judgements, no quick fix "Oh, you should have done this" type comments. The occasional flippant quip in order to not bring it down to a depressive level was added here and there.

I didn't care. I just wasn't interested in her past. I am, at the best of times, a person with no compassion. I care about certain people, but the vast majority of people can tell me their problems, cares, fears and I will listen attentively and nod my head sympathetically, but I don't really care. That was how I felt with BenchGirl. All these very private things and sad happenings in her life and I was just thinking about what song I would sing on karaoke that night. Or when we were next going to have sex (possibly tonight, she has "arranged" things, apparently).

I can feel myself slipping further and further back to my "old self". The serial user and abuser. The man who would take women home, have sex, call for a taxi for them and have to actually ask them their name to tell the taxi people who to pick up. The man who would walk into a club, see a girl who had shown interest and walk straight back out with them, before returning to the club alone after the sex. The scumbag is coming back.

And the worst part?

I'm enjoying it. I want to be the scumbag again and that's starting to scare me.

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap ...

2005-03-23T09:25:00.000Z

I considered writing this post in the form of some kind of erotica, like a number of the blogs out there, like BadGirl's and such, but when it comes to erotica, I just can't write it.

Monday night, I was waiting for the inevitable phone call about the Monday Night Social when I received a number of texts from BenchGirl. She wanted to come up to my house after we had been texting each other all day, saying how frustrated we had both been. Long story short. BenchGirl and I had sex and it was fantastic. I felt both elated and guilty at the same time. Basically, I have just broken 3 of my resolutions!

1. Never rub another man's rhubarb! - Which means not doing anything with the partner of another man.

2. Never play too close to home! - Which means, if I do anything with anybody, they shouldn't be someone like a work colleague or a friend or someone's family, etc.

3. Celibacy! - Self explanatory really. My celibacy didn't last very long at all, did it?

She said it was just to get each other out of our systems, but I want more and I'm pretty certain she does too. Especially after some of the texts and phone calls we've had together. She said she felt a bit selfish as I did most of the work (there's some things that, if you're good at it, you make sure you do it ;-P ) and she wanted to return the favour ... Hmmmm, really *really* want to try that with her!

I have the day off on Friday and Monday and I think I'm going to get her round to mine again, somehow.

Well ... I've done it now, I might as well get the most out of it while I can, because it sure as hell is going to go all Pete Tong (modern UK-wide rhyming slang = Wrong) before long!

Out of the blue ...

2005-03-21T13:33:00.000Z

It was quite strange. A chance meeting that I never imagined happening again in this lifetime. Affair#2 appeared in Yell, last night. This was a girl that I met shortly after starting to work at The Bar, many moons ago. We had a brief but passionate frisson that affected me for many months afterwards. I wouldn't say she was the love of my life, or anything close, but I have (to this very day) got a deep affection for her that I don't believe will ever go away. I met Affair#2 while in the middle of a particularly sad part of my marriage. At a time when troubles at The Day Job were getting me down and I felt that my Wife wasn't giving me the attention I needed (not to mention that at this point, my wife and I had not had sex for a year and a half). Affair~2 gave me the attention and affection I really needed, until she decided that it was time to end it. I was quite distressed about that and I felt bitter against her for quite a while, but now I realise it wasn't to be and that she is still a wonderful girl.

However, she has changed. Gone is the happy go lucky party girl, that would talk to anybody and have fun anywhere. In her stead, stood an almost frumpy, quiet, almost sad, woman ensconced in a lacklustre relationship with a man for two years. I couldn't help feeling that if she had made a go of things with me, then, perhaps, she would still have been the life and soul of the party. On second thoughts, I realised that we would have probably sucked the life and party from each other and become worse than she is now. Two party animals do not a relationship make.

I observed my old flame as she continued her night out, from my vantage point of the DJ area, with Stallion. I couldn't help but get a pang, a heartfelt longing, for the girl I had once known. This girl I was watching wasn't that girl, she was no longer my Affair#2. She was now a housewife, only without the house and without being a wife.

-------------------------------------------------------------

BenchGirl visited me at home, yesterday afternoon. She wanted to discuss the situation between us. Very adult-like, I thought. We spent a while talking about the situation and that kiss. She explained that she had feelings for me that she felt a need to explore and I explained that, although I am massively attracted to her, I didn't want to explore those feelings. The whole time she was there, sat next to me, I had to, almost, physically restrain myself from jumping on her and riding her like a rodeo bull!

I did extremely well! I kept my hands to myself, I explained the reasons behind my not wanting anything further to happen and she seemed to accept it. Awww, who am I kidding?!?! She was touching my knee with hers, my shoulder with her hand and eventually leaned against me sighing like a contented cat! And through all this, I kept my end of things firmly friend-like. Until, that is, it came to the goodbye. Once again, it began with the friendly cuddle. Once again it ended in a passionate kiss that I never wanted to end. I wanted to lift her up and take her to bed right there and then, but common sense won through and we pulled, reluctantly, away from each other and she left.

All day today, we have been exchanging text messages. She's not going to let it lie. She is determined to sleep with me and I just don't know how much will power I have left. I want her. I want her right now!

Oh, Baby refrain, from breaking my heart ...

2005-03-20T10:10:00.000Z

I've been weak ... Again. Just because I've had a few drinks doesn't mean I should throw all my morals and self-control out of the window. Why is it so fucking difficult to leave girls alone and to stay celibate? To stay away from something I know is bad for me?

BenchGirl and Trace both joined me in Cameo after work. Trace was out on the pull and they were both checking guys out and being very vocal about it. Fair enough, BenchGirl and me aren't seeing each other. I would have preferred BenchGirl to do it a bit more subtly and not let me hear about which guys had the nicest asses, but she didn't owe me anything like that. She's not seeing me, like I said, she's only attracted to me. I guess it's just me. If I'm out with a girl that I'm attracted to I keep my comments about other girls to myself, or at least, mention them privately to someone else.

Anyway, throughout the night, BenchGirl was being very touchy feely with me. Kissing my neck, leaning against me, rubbing my legs or my butt. I tried to back off, tried to put distance between us, but she always seemed to end up back being near me. Cameo eventually closed and we started to walk home. Trace stopped to talk to somebody that she knew and BenchGirl and I continued walking. Albeit slowly enough for Trace to catch up quickly. She stopped, turned towards me and reached out for a cuddle. That's not too bad, we are supposed to be trying to be friends, after all, and friends are allowed to cuddle. She pulled back, slightly, and looked up into my eyes before leaning forward. Her lips found mine and I didn't pull away. I didn't protest, I just reciprocated. Kissed her back, passionately. I noticed that Trace was coming back to us and I pulled away. I was embarrassed. Excited. Guilty. Happy.

I split away from them shortly after that, as they were walking a different way home from me and as I walked I texted Trace. I knew it was possible that she would show BenchGirl the text, but I had to trust her to keep what I wrote secret.

"Please don't leave BenchGirl and me alone again. If you think I'm flirting too much with her at The Bar, stop me."
"Why? What's happened?"
"I just need your help to control myself. She's with someone!"

Then a text from BenchGirl:

"I'm sorry about that and I hope you're not going to be weird about it. I don't regret doing it because I've wanted to do it for ages. See you at work on Friday. Luv BenchGirl"
"I'm not being weird about it. I should have just had more self-control."

Trace must have shown her my text and I asked her as much. She said she hadn't, but I think she did and I think I'm going to have to watch what I say to her in future.

I just can't do it! If she was single, I wouldn't think twice about it, but she isn't and if she can't control herself, then I have to!

Maybe I should just quit working at The Bar.

An end of sorts ...

2005-03-14T10:27:00.000Z

I am absolutely, definately, without doubt done with girls. Period. Full stop. {/end}.

My life, chosen now to be celibate and not having it thrust upon me, can only get better from here on in. I found out something, last night, that shook me to the bones and has just destroyed any trust that I had left for females of the species when it comes to sex and relationships. I am just not going to deal with the lies and intrigue and DRAMA (in bold and capitals as the word has to be shouted when talking about women. It's all about the drama for them) anymore.

Firstly, I found out recently that a friend, who I have not spoken about on this blog, but has related to me many, many personal problems, has turned out ot have been lying about a great deal of those problems. Apparently, she thought I would have disappeared as a friend if she hadn't made up these problems for me to console her about. I find that insulting and deceitful. I am, now, considering removing her from my circle of friends. Only time will tell whether I can forgive her for lying to me.

The thing I learned last night is different altogether, but it still involves lies and deceipt. About a year ago I had a brief relationship with an older woman (she was 7 years older than me) which didn't work out. We didn't break up badly, we just realised that we wanted different things very early and knew there was no point continuing. A few months ago, I had a one-night stand with a younger girl who had been making moves on me for a while. Neither of us wanted anything more than that and everything seemed fine. Last night I found out that the girl is the daughter of the older woman! I had never met the older woman's children, they were always out or away when I visited. Not only was she the older woman's daughter, but she had only pursued me because I had been with her mother! It was just a matter of one-up-woman-ship (or whatever you wish to call it). If the girl had been honest about it, I would not have been half as bothered, two people over the age of consent can do what they like as long as nobody gets hurt in the process. It's the deceiptful manner in which she went about it that bothers me. That and the fact that I just cannot even begin to understand the mental process where a woman has to best or equal her mother's sexual achievements! What, in the name of Mother Earth, is that about?!?!?

So, I'm done. I'm out of that rat infested race. I'm just going to stick to beer, bawdy chat with my bloke mates and working to pay for the beer. There's nothing else I want from this world anymore.

And another test ...

2005-03-10T10:20:00.000Z

How slutty am I?

I'm actually disappointed with that :-(

I was expecting a much higher score :-S

It's a test ...

2005-03-10T09:29:00.000Z

I found this on Becky's blog and thought I'd have a go. I am incredibly, terribly sad (in a pathetic sense).

English Genius
You scored 93% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 77% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go!

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 30% on Beginner

You scored higher than 28% on Intermediate

You scored higher than 40% on Advanced

You scored higher than 67% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid

I need to get out more :-S

Penguin Home Run ...

2005-03-09T12:52:00.000Z

Some people just have it in for those penguins ... Click the title and whack that penguin!

Da da daaa da, da da daaa da, da da daaa da ... Da da da DA da daaaaaaaaa (Bad rendition of the organ music from baseball games).

Hey batter, batter, batter, swiiiiinngggg, batter!

Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent ...

2005-03-09T10:13:00.000Z

I know, I haven't blogged for a few days but, really, nothing is happening. The same old, same old, really. There are no developments on any front. Nothing new. Quite boring, really.

BenchGirl and Glassy haven't been in contact (which is a good thing on both fronts). Trace's life has been pretty quiet. I haven't been out drinking since Sunday. I have no Memories to impart (well, I do, but I just can't be asked doing them.).

The only real things that have happened are that on Saturday night, BenchGirl playfully kissed my neck. Call me a girl, but light kisses on my neck send shivers up and down my spine, so I tried, very hard, to avoid her as much as possible the rest of the night. I think she noticed which is possibly why she hasn't been in contact.

On Sunday, I went to Yell to help out Ki, as Stallion is currently in San Francisco and will be moving to Newcastle when he gets back, for university. I sang on the Karaoke again. This is going to end up being a habit, I can tell. I sang Paradise By The Dashboard Light with the Shaggy Dolls and it sounded much better than the last time I sang it. Mainly as my voice didn't start croaking and make me sound like a thirteen year old going through puberty! I also sang Baby Can I Hold You Tonight, solo, which was well recieved. I'm going to have to find a few more songs I can attempt to sing, otherwise I'll end up singing the same stuff every week. That's if I continue singing. Which I doubt.

That's all for now, from the wonderfully dull world of Tyler. Tune in next time for more from Dullsville, UK.

Poke the Penguin ...

2005-03-05T14:08:00.000Z

Just do it ... You know want to ... Do it!

Do it!

Tales of the Last Chance Saloon ...

2005-03-05T12:36:00.000Z

Thursday night was incredibly wierd. I mean, really wierd. Starting out in Yell, helping Hairy with his DJ-ing (I did an incredibly cool mix and Hairy said he was really impressed). The wierdness started after I'd had, perhaps, my fifth pint of Fosters (a, not, particularly strong beer) at which point I started feeling distinctly drunk! Bearing in mind, that in the first hour or so of Monday and Tuesday I had the equivalent of twice that and continued drinking throughout the rest of the night(s) and went home barely even inebriated. Thursday was different kettle of fish altogether. I kept drinking, though, even as I got drunker and drunker. Eventually the gang of us ended up in Shark where we met up with Belle (Hairy's ex), GothyJen and a sexuality indistinct guy, I'll call PenBeard (the reason will become clear later). The Shaggy Dolls (a pair of really cute girls who drink in Yell and sing on the Karaoke) were in but just about to leave until I arrived. They said they'd stay if I had a dance with them, so I did. I really like the blonde of the pair (even though I usually go for brunettes) but I think she has a fella already *sigh*. By the time the gang and I had left, the Shaggy Dolls were still there dancing. Not bad to say they only stayed for one dance!

We all (Hairy, Stallion, Belle, GothyJen, PenBeard and I) went back to PenBeard's house. It was like a palace! Or, at least, it was until we'd been there all night. We continued drinking there for most of the night, watching Wurzel Down Under. Although I can't remember I, apparently, fell into a door headfirst, started a dancing competition, played KitKat throwing war, had an argument with Belle about something or nothing (or a heated discussion, I was told later) and kept continually stating that I couldn't believe how drunk I was. PenBeard got his name by drawing a beard on his face and declaring himself Arthur, King of the Britons. Hairy and Belle disappeared into a bedroom, not to be seen until the next day. Stallion and GothyJen fell asleep together on a couch (he turned over in his sleep, twice knocking her off and landing her on her ass beside the couch). PenBeard slept on the other couch and I fell asleep in an awkward position in a small leather chair. I woke up some hours later with a pain in my side by sleeping in a stupid position and also three hours late for work! I eventually got home at one in the afternoon where I called work telling them I'd had a migraine all night. I'm goin to be in so much trouble for that!

---------------------------------------------------------

Friday night was good in it's way. BenchGirl started at The Bar and she fitted in really well. She is a good bar person and had fun with Trace and I. The Lovebirds were as annoying as usual, barely doing any work, as usual. I just hope Da Boss gets rid of them soon and I really hope that Trace doesn't get fired due to her unreliability.

BenchGirl was incredibly touchy feely. I had to truly stop myself from dragging her somewhere quiet and giving her the kiss of her life! I think I can keep myself to myself but it is really going to be difficult. I just look at that cute smile and those "I know something you don't know" eyes and I melt! Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

I went into Shark, alone, and met up with GothyJen, Belle and PenBeard. We had a chat about the series of events from the night before before I decided to move along and see if anyone else I knew was in. I was fortunate, Taz and her friend, Misery (she is always so miserable and she's got a lovely smile when allows herself to) were there, so I joined in with them for a while. They left eventually and I readied myself to leave too, until I was accosted by a woman that has spoken to me a few times recently. She started coming on to me very strongly, fondling me in the middle of the club and rubbing herself against me. I told her that I was celibate (I find that's easier than actually turning somebody down), but she still kept going for it. I also told her that I would just use and abuse her, fuck her then chuck her, but she wouldn't take it in. Eventually she started asking for my number and I just kept telling her that I wouldn't phone her and she'd end up hating me. It took a while, but she did eventually move off and I left to come home.

Almost an entire week of drinking and, almost, debauchery and there is still tonight and Sunday and Monday and, possibly Tuesday to go! However will I cope?

A return to form ...

2005-03-03T09:50:00.000Z

Tuesday night was a great night. I called Stallion to see if he was still going out and the sleepy voice on the other end told me that neither Hairy, nor Boy Toy were going. I said that as he seemed so tired, it would be okay. He immediately woke up stammering and blurting, saying that he'd definately go out. I said, "No, no. You get some sleep, Mate. Save your stamina for the girls on thursday". Again a quick backtrack and he eventually said he'd get a taxi and be at my house in an hour. Stallion cannot stand staying in when there's a night out to be had! LOL

We finally got to a bar and he said that he'd bet me a drink that Hairy would be phoning within half an hour telling us he was going to join us. Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, I got a phone call and the Hairy one was on his way. So, that made three. Five minutes after that and Hairy got a call and we were informed that SleepyPhil was on his way. From there just being two of us, we ended up being four. Stallion and I had destroyed four, double vodka and Red Bulls by the time SleepyPhil arrived and we were just ordering our fifth each. We eventually had two more after that, before moving on to the Other Town, nearby, to continue the night.

We started out in a pub that had a band on, but we had just missed their last set, so we just hung around for a couple of beers, talking to the alternative/student crowd. My kind of people, dress differently, listen to good rocking music and basically out to have a laugh. Plus, I love the look that the girls have, a sort of sub-goth look. Yummy! We moved around to other pubs and bars before ending up in a club I'll call Bigs. Back on the vodka and Red Bulls in there, as it was on offer, and dancing. TallGirl and the lesbian woman were in. TallGirl was well pissed off because Stallion had straight away started talking to a bunch of girls and getting close to one in particular (he ended up putting her number in my phone as he had left his at home). The lesbian woman was pissed off with me, as I just wasn't going for anybody, just having a laugh with Hairy, SleepyPhil and an umbrella ... Long story, don't ask ... We finished the night in a pizza shop taking the mick out of a group of girls. One of them was really cute, with gorgeous light hazel eyes. She had dripped something on her top so I just started making jokes about her dribbling and needing a bib and I tried to get her to come to The Bar this weekend, but she said that she doesn't go to the Hometown as she thought it was too rough. It's not, it has that reputation, but it isn't anywhere near as rough as it used to be. I hope I see her again as I'll hit on her in a New York second, next time. She will be mine, oh yes, she will be mine! ;-P

Last night, I didn't go drinking. Instead, I went to my martial arts class and joined in properly, for the first time since I badly injured my knee, over a year ago. I really enjoyed it and I wasn't as tired as I expected I would be. The knee held up really well, although I was wearing a very strong knee brace. I didn't join in the sparring at the end, but I think it's best to just ease myself back into it, rather than jumping in with both feet and damaging the knee even more.

An update on the BenchGirl situation. She texted me on Tuesday night wondering what I was up to. I told her I was out drinking and she replied saying it was a pity as she was bored at work and could have done with some company. Woohoo! I missed that bit of temptation! Now, all I have to do is resist the attraction tomorrow at The Bar when she starts there. Except, that I'm going to have to be the one to train her, so I won't be able to avoid that much contact. *sigh*

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

2005-03-01T10:12:00.000Z

Well, although I've been out every night from Thursday to last night (and probably going out tonight too), nothing has really happened to allow me to voice anything of significance here.

Saturday night was better than Friday at The Bar. Da Boss is going to let the two Lovebirds go and, probably, Trace as well. The Lovebirds because they are just worthless when behind the bar together and because they have other commitments that will mean they each will have to take a month off work in the future. A month! If Cutie was to work there without Strop, we all believe she would make a better worker, but they spend most of the night kissing and canoodling instead of doing the job and when it comes to clearing up after The Bar closes, they monkey around and do what they want to do, rather than what needs to be done. Trace may be going as she is just unreliable for Da Boss. It's to be expected that some nights her children will fall ill or something, but it has happened with alarming regularity and she doesn't get in touch with Da Boss, instead she texts his daughter, Teach, and she turns her phone off until the end of her working day, so Da Boss only finds out that Trace won't be in until a couple of hours before The Bar opens, which leaves him stuck for getting a replacement.

Cameo was okay, after work, but Stallion got so much attention, I felt like a spare part. The only time any girl would talk to me was to get closer to him or to ask me about him. Not too bad most nights, I don't really mind all that much, but there were a hell of a lot of girls out for him that night. I ended up just saying to most of them, "You have no chance of getting to Stallion through me. You want him, you talk to him". A bit abrupt, but they got the message.

Sunday, I made two mistakes. The first was to allow BenchGirl to come visit me at home. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! I'm supposed to be keeping away from her and now I'm being dragged into the whole, "Surely, we can be friends" thing. She was quite touchy feely, but nothing happened. However, she had lied to her fiancé about where she was. I'm going to get into trouble because of that girl, I can tell. Friends or not, he won't see it that way, I'm sure. The second mistake was mentioning that Da Boss was looking for more staff. She promptly asked if I could get her a job and I said she should phone him up and ask. She asked me if I'd phone him and make sure that he was looking for staff and he said yes and if she wanted to start, she could start on friday. What a pitiful state of affairs. For want of a better phrase. So, now I have a paramour working behind The Bar with me to make things even more complicated. Sunday night I just joined Stallion in Yell and had a pretty good night, actually singing on the Karaoke and not being completely ridiculous. The lesbian that I kissed was there with friends and she just did not seem happy. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have reciprocated the kiss, but I'm just not attracted to her. I actually prefer her friend, TallGirl, but she is only 17 (which I found out to my shock on Sunday) and she prefers Stallion. Of course. As soon as I found out how old she was, I stopped what flirting I had been doing and started to have real fun with her. She says she's 5'11", but I'm 5'7" and she's only 2 inches taller than me, so I just extracted the urine about her measuring skills for the rest of the night.

I'll talk about last night later.

--------------------------------------------------------

Well, it's later. Last night we started out in the Hometown, having a few drinks in the cheapest bar there, before moving on to a pub near the train station, a pretty rough joint, if I ever saw one. I wasn't too sure about last night, as I was really tired and they were going to the major city near us, instead of the minor one, where we usually go on Monday nights. The major city has a Shark there too and it is student night on Mondays. You should only be able to get in if you have student ID, but I wangled us in last time by dropping the name of the manager of Shark in the Hometown. I wasn't sure I'd get away with it twice, but I eventually relented and went anyway.

When we arrived in the major city, we roamed around for a while to try and find a new bar that Hairy had heard of, when we got there, it was closed on Mondays! We were all really ready for another drink by then and the nearest bar was a gay bar. I'm comfortable with my sexuality, so I didn't mind going in, too much. I felt a little bit uncomfortable, not because of the clientelle, but because I felt like we were encroaching on their territory, but nobody seemed to mind (I've found, in the past, that gay people can tell whether you are or aren't gay, as opposed to straight people who just don't have a clue). They knew me, Stallion and Hairy were straight and no-one even looked twice at us, not even at Stallion! One thing made me smile, I had taken my coat with me (it was cold!) and I had dropped it on the floor, so I wouldn't have to keep carrying it around. I went to the bar for some drinks, came back and somebody had, kindly, placed it on the back of a chair for me and I knew it hadn't been one of the guys. How nice was that?! We had quite a few drinks in there, as it was cheap and the atmosphere was great with some really good dance music being played. I really enjoyed that bar and would go again. The only problem being that (as a straight guy) I would never know if the girls there were gay or were just visiting a gay bar to get away from horny guys like me! LOL

We went straight to the major city's version of Shark from there and partied the night away on the revolving dancefloor, chatting away with girls and just getting wild eyed drunk. There were loads of stunning girls out including some girls that had been in the gay bar and we had a bit of a laugh with them for a while. Also, I just have to say, one of the girls serving in Shark just happened to be the cutest little thing! I may have just found a new obsession LOL

We left pretty late and, after feeding our faces, we got ourselves a very reasonably priced taxi home. On the way, I tried to give Stallion some of my wisdom about his ex-girlfriend. The only reason we went to the major city was because his ex would have been in the minor city and he didn't want a scene like he had the last time he was there (this all happened "off camera" in a previous Monday night post). I can't blame him, but he can't avoid places just because his ex can't accept that the relationship is over. If I did that, I'd never go anywhere! :-S

Friday night's not all right ...

2005-02-26T18:01:00.000Z

Trace didn't make it to work last night. Her child was ill so she had to stay home to look after her. That left us one down at The Bar. I was also told that I won't be taking over the DJ-ing at The Bar and, instead, Hairy has got this other young lad to do it, he looks like Harry Potter and he's terrible on the mic. At one point, he put Livin' On A Prayer on, played it right from the beginning and left the entire bar silent (almost) for the entire intro. You could see people looking round wondering what had happened to the music. The lad has been doing DJ-ing longer than I have, but even I know that you start that song at the point where the drum beats kick in. It keeps the music flowing which is essential in a busy bar like ours.

The Lovebirds really pissed me off. They strolled in fifteen minutes late, in the mean time I'd been running around like a blue arsed fly doing two and three jobs at once to get The Bar ready to open. They pissed around doing hardly anything, but I managed to get everything ready in time for opening. At ten past nine, the Lovebirds decided to go for their break. Da Boss has a policy, he likes everybody to be back on the bar by half past nine, no exceptions. He's fired people for staying on their breaks too long. So, they should have had 10 minutes, then it should have been my turn. It was gone half past when they strolled back on the bar, so I couldn't have my break! Teach, Da Boss' daughter, was helping out (as Trace wasn't there) and when she found out that I hadn't had my break, she kicked me off the bar and wouldn't let me back until I'd sat down and had a cigarette. The rest of the night, I just wouldn't talk to the Lovebirds. I just was too pissed off with them.

After work, I ventured in to Shark, to have a few drinks on my own, I thought. Luckily Taz was there with a few of her friends and I joined them. I had a great laugh and had quite a few people who know me coming up to chat. I felt pretty popular. One girl, in particular, had a laugh with me. We were competing to see who would get served first at the bar and I won every time. Mainly as the lads behind the bar know me and what I drink and always try to get me my bottle in passing as they serve other people. They are good lads but they can't work at Shark as often as they did as they are now at university and only get in every other week. You can tell which weekends they are working as the number of girls who go in goes up. Very popular those guys! LOL

I had a real good time dancing and drinking and would have loved to stay longer, but it came to closing time and I said nite to Taz and her friends and left.

[sarcasm] I can't wait for tonight to see if the Lovebirds pull their fingers out of their arses and do some work[/sarcasm].

La bella morté ...

2005-02-25T10:15:00.000Z

It almost took me last night. The demon. Nearly carried me down into the abyss. I wasn't even going to struggle, I was going willingly.

The tablets I have nursed so much recently were in my hand. A bottle of vodka and some Red Bull were in the other. Time after time I took a pill, took a drink, took a pill took a drink. How many had I taken? I couldn't remember. Take a pill, take a drink. Wash it down. Drown it. Fall into the void and become one with the universe. Let go. Let it all go. Stop the pain, stop the worry, stop the hurt, stop the voices, stop the heart. Make it stop. Make it all stop!

Waking up this morning in a pool of my own vomit, the telephone ringing. I'd passed out before I could take enough. Nothing is ever enough. A mental note, "Just water next time".

Next time.

I answered the phone. Trace was frantic. I'd texted her apolgising for not being a good enough friend (I remember doing it now). A mental note, "Don't text anybody, don't phone anybody, don't leave a note next time".

Next time.

I had to assuage Trace's fears. Tell her everything was okay. Everything was fine. Sorry for scaring her. (Sorry for being here. Sorry for being a pathetic shit. Sorry for ever being born).

The cold light of day. All it does is bring into focus everything.

I'm still here. For now, until the next time.

Time after time after time after ...

2005-02-24T10:11:00.000Z

Yesterday, Trace contacted me and told me something that disappointed me. On Tuesday night, when I was texting her, walking home from meeting BenchGirl, she was with Big Lad. They had a good long talk into the small hours. She wanted to know that, whatever she decided, that I'd stand by her. I really didn't know what to say. I had to spend a good few hours thinking about what to say and how to word it. I finally replied saying that, regardless of what she decides, I'll always be her friend, but I'm not his. I also said, please don't ask me to treat him like one as he isn't and will never be my friend again.

She said she was very confused and that she still loved him. She also said that one of her other friends has told her that she has washed her hands of her and the whole thing. I, again, spent some time thinking about how to reply to that. My reply was, I wouldn't go that far! I am disappointed in her, but I will still always be her friend. I just don't want to see him or talk to him. I don't want to see her and be expected to treat him as a friend, because I just won't do it. The only time I want to see him again is when we are both rotting in hell. A bit harsh, I realised, after I had replied to her and she hasn't replied to me since.

I know it's the place of a true friend to stand by them, regardless of the decisions they make, but surely I can't be expected to be okay with the decision? Surely, I'm allowed to have my own opinions and thoughts about the situation? I should not be expected to treat him with the courtesy and respect I would give to everybody else. If she does get back with him, then my opinion of her will be that much lower, but she is still my friend and I still care about what happens to her.

Am I supposed to stand by, smile as if nothing is wrong and just wait until the next time he does something wrong against her.

I'm terrified of one day getting a phone call telling me the worst. I'm not exagerating when I say that I fear for Trace's life and the well being of her children. I truly think the man is that unstable.

At what point is a friend supposed to stop being unconditionally supportive and become assertive? When that friend is hospitalized, or worse?

Hindsight is always 20/20 ...

2005-02-24T08:45:00.000Z

During Sunday, Coach, with help from myself and others, ran a martial arts competition. The day went amazingly well with some great competitors and some fantastic spectacles of matches. We cleared up as quickly as possible after the last fight and went home quite satisfied.

Last night Coach was called aside, in the sports centre, and was told that he now owes the centre over a thousand pounds due to damages and loss of earnings for the sports hall. Apparently, some double sided tape, which we used to secure the matting to the floor, turned out to be a bitch to remove, requiring professional help to get the stuff off the floor. Coach was obviously upset. He didn't run the competition to make a profit, in fact, beside the bill he is about to receive, he made a large loss on the day. I hate to see Coach upset as he is usually unflappable. A pillar of rock in a raging sea. Last night was the most upset I have seen him since his break-up with his long term relationship over two years ago. It's heart wrenching to see him like that. The fact of the matter is that he can't pay it. He doesn't have that kind of money. I told him that the only real option he has is to allow it to go to court and hope that the magistrate is lenient. I wish I could have helped him more, but I certainly don't have the money and the hire contract for the hall was pretty watertight. Although, given a bit of time, I'm sure I could find the inevitable loophole, but court fees, if he did decide to fight against it, would prove even more costly than just allowing a magistrate to make a fair decision.

I feel like I'm being thrown around in a maelstrom, lately. So many people that need help and not one of them can I help. I'm being tugged in so many different directions and I don't have the necessary skills or resources to help people the way I would like. Sure, I have more than rudimentary litigation skills to help Coach, but not quite enough. Sure, I have a certain amount of counseling skills, but not nearly enough to help Trace. And, sure, I have had enough experience with relationships to work out things between myself and Glassy and BenchGirl, but experience does not necessarily translate into wisdom.

I just feel like I'm stretching too thinly and I can't see a point where I can reassert myself.

How can such a boring life be so bloody complicated!

... When first we practice to deceive ...

2005-02-23T09:06:00.000Z

Just a quick update.

I finally recieved a reply from Trace, which read: "Do you want me to ask her to stop texting you?"

My god! I think I've made her out to be a stalker or something! She's far, far from that.

And I also got a message from BenchGirl, herself: "A little bird tells me that you feel we can't be friends and that you don't want to see me again. Is this what you really want?"

Well, to be honest, yes it is. I'm too weak a person to be just friends with someone that I am so massively attracted to. I don't know whether it's just me, or men in general, or what, but I just can't do it. If I wasn't so attracted to her, I could easily be her friend, but with the attraction I have for her, it would gnaw at me. I don't want to be the kind of guy that will do anything to spend time with someone who they can't have in the way that they want. I don't want to be the kind of person that is friends with someone who they have feelings for and start resenting the person that they are with. Her man has done nothing wrong to me, has done nothing wrong to her, apart from meeting BenchGirl before me. I don't want to start resenting him because I am jealous of what he has and I would feel that way, eventually. I know that for a fact.

So, the simple solution is to take away the temptation. I'm not the Messiah, I can't face temptation and reject it. I'm a human being with feelings and desires and I don't want to aspire to the gods.

File it away. Close and lock the filing cabinet. Put it in the cellar without stairs or lights. Hide it in a dis-used lavatory with a sign on the door, saying "Beware of the leopard".

Move on to somebody I can have a relationship with.

Or, better yet, not have a relationship at all. It's far too complicated and I just want a quiet life.

Opportunity, not ...

2005-02-23T00:44:00.000Z

I visited BenchGirl at her place of work. A working men's club in my town (a working men's club is where people pay a yearly subscription and then get cheaper drinks through bulk buying). We had a good few hours chatting. Talking about Trace and BenchGirl's past and all kinds of things. I felt totally at peace with her and I had no thoughts, no hang-ups. I felt at home.

We talked and laughed through the entire night, having a really good rapport. The end of the night came and I walked her home, in the cold wet snow. We finished our conversation and she entered her house, after a quick peck of a goodnight kiss.

It was late, but I had to text Trace.

The message I sent: "I can't see BenchGirl anymore. If you both go out after work, I'm going to have to go somewhere else".

Her reply: "Why? You both seemed to be okay with things!"

And my reply: "I like her too much. I can't see her and not do anything anymore. And I can't do anything because she is with a fella (man)."

I haven't had a reply from that one, but Trace understands. She knows I can't do anything with someone if they are with someone. I just can't. And I can't ask someone to leave their partner on the off chance that we could have something together. It's only a possibility of something, whereas she has something definate with her man. I can't break that up, even if I tried.

I wish I was more of a bastard, because I would have done something and not even thought twice about it. But I'm not. I have my morals and I can't break them. Just visiting her at work almost broke those morals and I feel like shit because of it.

I have to find someone else. Someone of my own. Not somebody that is in a relationship. It;s not fair for the guy that is with them.

I know, I know, I know ...

2005-02-22T18:02:00.000Z

So, Monday night and I had two options. Go for a drink with BenchGirl, the out of bounds, engaged girl who I have the amazing mutual attraction with, or follow through with Glassy and have some drinks and watch some DVD's with her. Either option was a a tricky one. If I saw BenchGirl, it would bring the possibility of doing something wrong with her that much closer and if I stayed at home with Glassy, then the possibility of doing something and having her attach herself to me would be that much closer too.

As it turned out, BenchGirl lost her car keys down a drain (Doh!) and had a little minor crisis involving that and her fiance throwing a dicky fit about it. I decided to go pick up Glassy, along with picking up a bottle of vodka, some Red Bull and eight bottles of San Miguel. Just as I got back home with Glassy, I got text messages from Trace and BenchGirl wanting to know if I still wanted to go for drinks. Dammit! That would have been safe! Trace would be there and BenchGirl and I wouldn't have had the chance to do anything wrong together! I couldn't really take Glassy back home and then go meet Trace and BenchGirl, so I declined and began the long dark evening of the soul with Glassy.

What a disaster!

It started out okay, we were laughing and joking and having a good time. We started out with Road Trip, moved on to Dude, Where's My Car, Rocky, Coyote Ugly and then on to some episodes of Friends. The longer she stayed, the worse it got. Not because nothing happened (I'm quite glad of that), but because, more and more, I realized I had nothing in common with her. She smoked all my cigarettes (I bought two packs, she took one pack home with her and left me with 2 cigs to last until I could go shopping. She constantly went on about paying me for her half of the drinks, which I wasn't bothered about, I had invited her, it was my place as host to pay for the drinks. Yet, she just wouldn't shut up about it! Working it out on pieces of paper and saying she'd pay me back on Friday. No matter how many times I told her to forget it. She was going to take my only sweater home with her. She kept re-arranging her taxi to take her home, but wanting me to do the changing. She knew she would have to use a taxi to get home, but she'd brought no money with her, so she just assumed that I would pay for her. I was going to pay for her taxi anyway, but to just assume that I was, was discourteous. The conversation was terrible. I had the entire life history of her mother who turned lesbian for 6 years, had a live in lover that took the on the role of father to Glassy and would beat Glassy's mother occasionally. Fine, fair enough. But after being told this life story for the fifth time, in one night, I was getting a bit blasé about it. She eventually left at about 2.30 am, leaving my house looking like a bomb had hit it and me feeling like I could pull every hair out of my bald head.

I'm not doing that again.

2005-02-21T08:50:00.000Z

I had a strict upbringing. Not in a fashion where I was denied anything, or abused, but in a very strict internal, familial, ideology of right and wrong. Not a particularly religious upbringing, though both my parents were religious, their faith was a private one and they didn't force their faith on anybody but themselves. I was taught that some things are fundamentaly right and wrong. Some things there are no blurring of the edges, no gray areas. If it is right, it is right. If it is wrong, it is wrong. Full stop. Period. .

One of the highest and most inflexible of those ideologies is the word "no" and the word "stop". Regardless of the situation, I was taught that if someone said no, or stop, then that meant no and that meant stop! No persuading, no coaxing, no pushing. It meant no and it meant stop!

I have been in situations, while with women, where they have said no, or stop, but they didn't really mean it. I refused to continue. I would carry on refusing to continue, even if they said, quite clearly, "I didn't really mean it, I want you to continue.". I have been told by girls that, even while extremely drunk and with no memory of the night before, that I have stuck by these morals and refused to continue. I've lost girlfriends because of it. This is my ideology. This is my morality. It is unbreakable, it is unshakeable. There are no blurred edges. There are no gray areas. It is absolute.

This is why I know I have done nothing wrong. This is why I know the accusation is false.

The other side ...

2005-02-21T01:31:00.000Z

I've been accused of something. It's not something I would ever do. Something I detest, but I've been accused of it. I feel awful. Anybody who knows me, knows I would never do something like that and that I find the people who do that kind of thing the lowest form of human being alive. I'm secure in the knowledge that I didn't do anything wrong but it still put a downer on my night. The fact that I could be accused of such a thing brings tears to my eyes. I may come across, sometimes, as unfeeling and inattentive, but I'm really an emotional kind of guy. I have very strict morals and I do not break those morals at any cost.

We are, sometimes, defined more by the things we will not do, as opposed to the things we do, and would, do. There are certain boundaries I will not cross. I will not have anything to do with another man's partner. I will not break a law, ever. I will not say something that will upset someone, even if what could be said is true. I will not satisfy an altercation with violence, even if I am opposed with violence. If it is wrong, I will not do it!

I am secure in the fact that I have done nothing wrong, but the accusation hurts. It damages me to my very soul.

Have you ever wished on a star?

2005-02-20T17:29:00.000Z

The "Have you ever" quiz ... Stolen gratuitously from Moonchild.

1. Dyed your hair - Oh yes.
2. Been a DJ - Yes, I have, just learning.
3. Climbed a mountain - As much as anything in the UK can be called a mountain.
4. Been arrested - No.
5. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol - Absolutely.
6. Held a tarantula - Yup.
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone - Uhuh. MmmmMMmmm.
8. Said "I love you" and meant it - Yes.
9. Taught yourself an art from scratch - Errrm ... Not really.

10. Done a striptease - Hehehe, yes.
11. Bungee jumped - Not yet.
12. Had a booth at a street fair - Can't remember. Possibly.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea - Yes.
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise - Yes.
15. Seen the Northern Lights - Nope, not yet.
16. Gone to a huge sports game - Yes. Old Trafford, the Theatre of Dreams!
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa - No.
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables - Yes.
19. Touched an iceberg - No, dammit, that shit is cold!
20. Slept under the stars - While drunk, yes. Sober, once or twice.
21. Changed a baby's diaper - Unfortunately, yes.
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon - No.
23. Watched a meteor shower - Yes. Beautiful.
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care - No.
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced - No, thank the gods! How gauche!
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph - Yes, but if anybody in authority asks, definately not.
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment - Often.
28. Had a food fight - Hell yes!
29. Built your own PC from parts - No.
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill - Who hasn't?
31. Asked out a stranger - Yep.
32. Had a snowball fight - Yes.
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier - No, but I did my foot once :-S.
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - The term for men is shouted and yes.
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - Nope, I'm a wuss.
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy - Yes.
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip - Not at midnight.
38. Taken an ice cold bath - Hell no! That shit is cold!!! What is this cold obsession?
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar - No.
40. Seen a total eclipse - No.
41. Rode on a roller coaster - Yes.
42. Rode on a motorcycle - Yes.
43. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking - Almost every weekend.
44. Adopted an accent for an entire day - A few times.
45. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I'm living there now :-( *sigh*.
46. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild - No.
47. Rode a horse - Yes, with and without a saddle.
48. Had major surgery - No.
49. Loved your job for all accounts - Only The Bar.
50. Taken care of someone who was sh*t faced - Yes, often.
51. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - Once *sigh*.
52. Had amazing friends - Yes.
53. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - Gacchhh! No.
54. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt - Yes.
55. Stolen a sign - Hehehe, yes. Great night.
56. Backpacked in Europe - Nah.
57. Taken a road-trip - No.
58. Rock climbing - Yes.
59. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read - Yes. Shakespeare.
60. Midnight walk on the beach - Yes, but unfortunately alone.
61. Sky diving - I hope so, one day.
62. Changed your name - Not for any length of time.
63. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love - Yes, but I'm not bitter about it. Grrrrrrr.
64. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them - No.
65. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language - No.
66. Benchpressed your own weight - More than my own weight.
67. Milked a cow - Nuhuh.
68. Alphabetized your records - Sadly, yes.
69. Pretended to be a superhero - Wished to be.
70. Sung karaoke - A few times. Some good, some bad
71. Lounged around in bed all day - Often.
72. Posed nude in front of strangers - Not totally nude.
73. Scuba diving - Hope to, one day.
74. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye - Huh? No.
75. Kissed in the rain - Yes.
76. Played in the mud - Yes, as a child.
77. Played in the rain - Yes.
78. Gone to a drive-in theater - Nope.
79. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it - Story of my life.
80. Parasailed - One day.
81. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog - Not yet.
82. Skipped all your school reunions - I hated school, why would I want to remember it?.
83. Started a business - Yes. It flopped.
84. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them - No.
85. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you - Again, that would be, no.
86. Taken a martial arts class - I teach one.
87. Swordfought for the honor of a woman - Strangely enough, yes.
88. Written your own computer language - No, I use ready written languages.
89. Gotten married - Yes.
90. Been in a movie - TV series.
91. Crashed a party - Yes.
92. Loved someone you shouldn't have - Yes.
93. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy - I have been told so, yes.
94. Gotten divorced - No.
95. Had sex at the office - Uhuh.
96. Gone without food for 5 days - Yes.
97. Made cookies from scratch - No.
98. Won first prize in a costume contest - Never, ever.
99. Rode a gondola - No.
100. Gotten a tattoo - A few.
101. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on - That would be a no.
102. Rafted the Snake River - The what?
103. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger - No.
104. Got flowers for no reason - No.
105. Masturbated in a public place - Public as in people could see? No.
106. Got so drunk you don't remember anything! - There's any other way?
107. Gone back to school - Yes.
108. Performed on stage - A few times.
109. Been to Las Vegas - Nope.
110. Recorded music - No.
111. Eaten shark - No.
112. Had a one-night stand - Ahem ... Yes ... ahem ... once or twice *innocent look*.
113. Gotten someone fired for their actions - Yes.
114. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about - Yes.
115. Bought a house - No.
116. Been in a combat zone - My neighbourhood.
117. Buried one/both of your parents - Yes.
118. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off - Yes.
119. Been on a cruise ship - No.
120. Spoken more than one language fluently - I speak fluent bullshit, does that count?
121. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - I don't do fights.
122. Bounced a check - Yes.
123. Had your picture in the newspaper - Yeppers.
124. Read - and understood - your credit report - No.
125. Raised children - Pretty much raised my nephews at one point.
126. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy - No.
127. Eaten kangaroo meat - Apparently it tastes like chicken, but no.
128. Been a sperm or egg donor - Nope, I'm infertile.
129. Eaten sushi - Yes.
130. Found out something significant that your ancestors did - Depends on your definition of significant..
131. Called or written your Congress person - It would be MP, but no.
132. Slept through an entire flight: No, I love flying.
133. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours - Yes.
134. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge - No.
135. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking - Often.
136. Had plastic surgery - Hell no, I'm gorgeous!
137. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived - No.
138. Wrote articles for a large publication - National magazine.
139. Lost over 100 pounds at one time - No.
140. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - No.
141. Piloted an airplane - I want to.
142. Petted a stingray - No.
143. Broken someone's heart - A few.
144. Helped an animal give birth - Yes. A dog and a mouse.
145. Been fired or laid off from a job - Yes.
146. Won money on a T.V. game show - No.
147. Broken a bone - Yes indeedy
148. Had sex on a moving train - Moving, no, stationary, yes.

Well ... Ummm ... That was fun.

Essentially, unessential ...

2005-02-20T08:33:00.000Z

What kind of a night is it, when the best part of it, the part that made me smile the most, is when I found a kitten on the way home that tried to follow me home? Working at The Bar was fine. Not the best night that I've had there, but far and away, not the worst.

The bad part came later in the night when Trace and I went to Cameo. She was fine for the greater part of the night, a bit quiet, but at least attempting to get into the spirit of things. Until, at one point, she started getting upset. When I noticed this, I stopped dancing with the two girls I had met up with and took her to one of the chill-out areas to have a chat. She was thinking about Big Lad and not in the "I hope he suffers for the rest of eternity" kind of thinking, either. She's thinking of meeting him and I know, if she did meet him, she'll get back with him. This is a part of the female psyche that I just cannot understand and I never will. The horrific incident which happened to her, what he did to her, is fading from her mind and all she can see is the love she still has for him. I do not understand it! There's nothing short of murder that can be more terrible and life changing that what happened to her, that he did to her, and it appears that that is nothing compared to this love she holds for him. I do understand that she is feeling lonely and I do understand continuing to love someone after they have done terrible things to you.

The Queen Of All Bitches, still rides high in my thoughts, even now 2 years down the line, even after she almost destroyed me as a person, even after helping (I always say helping, because I refuse to not accept the responsibility for my own actions) me to spend the insurance money I got after the death of my wife, even after she blatantly cheated on me with several other men. I still love TQOAB. I still love her, but I would never ever take her back. I never ever want to see her again. Never!

What happened to Trace was far far worse than anything I suffered because of TQOAB, yet she is still considering taking him back.

I think if she does it will trivialize what has happened to her. I will stand by her, but my opinion of her will change. I'll support her, but I will never want to have anything to do with him. She might forget, but I wont. She might forgive him, but I wont.

Confused? You will be, in the next episode of ...

2005-02-19T13:57:00.000Z

Trace has had a long chat with me about Glassy. She thinks it would be a really bad idea for Glassy to come round on Monday and I can understand her arguments and I agree with them, somewhat. She points out that Glassy is very vulnerable right now, that she is just about to have a child and that I don't wanty children, especially some other man's child. She pointed out that Glassy's family leave a lot to be desired and that, if anything "happened" between Glassy and me, she would get attached very, very easily. All extremely good arguments. I've taken the advice on board and I'm seriously thinking of cancelling Monday night.

Events later in the night galvanised the thought. Trace's friend, BenchGirl, came out to go to Shark with us. BenchGirl and I have a history together, if only a small one. She came out with us once before. At the time I was seeing Boobs McGinty and it was the night that Boobs was caught kissing another guy in Cameo. Throughout that night, BenchGirl and I were so obviously attracted to each other. I tried to keep it friendly until the Boobs kissing another guy incident and then I started reciprocating the flirting and touching. Trace, Big Lad, BenchGirl and I all left at the same time to get some food and to eat in our favourite place on the way to Trace's house. While there, Boobs phoned me and, while I was talking to her, BenchGirl was ... shall we say ... distracting me. It sounds pretty nasty when I tell the whole story, but it was very funny (and exciting) at the time. BenchGirl and I met up a couple of times after that, but we had to stop seeing each other as she was in a relationship. She's now engaged.

But last night. Last night, the attraction returned, in spades and I was trying very, very hard not to show my attraction. People who know me, know all about my motto about people with partners: "Never rub another man's rhubarb" ... I live by that motto. It defines my attitude to girls. I do not mess about with other people's girlfriends/wives! Ever! But with BenchGirl, it is so difficult! Luckily, I managed to keep my hands, my lips and Junior Patrick to myself.

But I didn't want to.

Stop it, right now! ...

2005-02-18T12:23:00.000Z

I was, originally, going to write this last night, but I was so hammered I fell asleep on the couch, woke up at 4 am, turned off the PC and then went to bed.

I almost broke my resolution last night, although some people may think I actually did break it. Quo erat demonstrandum, I suppose. I kissed two girls and could have gone home with one of them. This makes me sad, for a number of reasons. Firstly, I nearly broke that all-important resolution and that makes me weak. Second, one of the girls is the sister of a friend. She's had enough hassle in her life without being played by me. Thirdly, the other girl is a self-confessed lesbian who has decided that I'm the only guy she would ever go for, but I'm just not attracted to her. How awful am I? When they both wanted to kiss me (in separate bars) I should have politely declined, but I didn't. Which, again, makes me weak. I'm just too free with my affections. I managed to keep my Junior Patrick (an in-joke to anybody that has watched the UK sit-com, Coupling) in my pants, this time, but I think it's about time I started keeping my lips to myself too.

I mean, ffs, how hard can it be to stay celibate?!?!

And it will be a strain on Monday, when Glassy is coming to my house to have a drink and watch some DVD's, but I don't think she'll want to do anything, so that should be fine.

The thing is, even with girls who are absolutely, definitely just friends, I share the occasional full blown kiss with. Taz is a prime example of that. I've managed to not mash lips with Trace, Mouse, Yves and China Doll and I think that's a really good thing.

Geez! There's something wrong with me!

---------------------------------------------------

Additional:

The DJ group have invited me to go to Magaluf, to work over there. I can easily get a bar job, but I'm really, really confused. Ki has said he'd look after my house until I came back. If I came back. I'm in massive amounts of debt, anyway, so coming back to threats of court proceedings aren't bothering me. I don't know what is bothering me! It should be an easy decision. Disappear abroad and never look back. Run away from all the worries and pain and never look back! I have nothing to hold me here. Nobody that I'm obligated to stay for. Coach has his family now, so he doesn't need me to stay.

Just what is stopping me from making this decision?!?!?!?!

Another quiz ...

2005-02-17T18:56:00.000Z

This is the "What kind of seducer are you?" quiz ...

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.
Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.
You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!
People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

I quite like that, it's pretty true :-D

Thieves! They stoles it!

2005-02-17T12:59:00.000Z

I've just been stumbling around the net, using the Stumbleupon toolbar, and I found my phrase ("For there is no greater love than in the hearts of the unloved, nor greater madness than in the minds of the sane"), quoted on a website! They don't even give me credit for it! The bastards!

That quote comes from a poem I wrote some years ago and it's mine! My own, my precious!

If I find out who has knicked it, I'm gonna kick the living crap out of em ... Or maybe just seethe about it a bit then wallow in self-pity about someone else getting credit for my words. :-(

It's a mad, mad, mad world ...

2005-02-16T20:29:00.000Z

Really, it truly is! For months now, Glassy has been chasing me around, but not admitting that she actually likes me and I've been playing around, but not really wanted anything further with her (okay, I wouldn't mind some sex LOL ... I am a guy, after all), but I certainly didn't want a relationship or anything. Except, this week I've found myself thinking more and more about her. She hasn't texted me, or phoned since Saturday and I started thinking I'd upset her by going too far with the banter.

While I've been working, I've found my mind wondering and thinking about her eyes and the way we have a, admittedly pretty nasty (with some of the things we say to each other), laugh with each other. I've been wondering what it would be like to actually date her, even though she is just about to give birth to some guy's child. The main problem I have with her is her family. They are awful. British people would call them chavs, US people would call them white trash. They're the kind of people who argue in the middle of the street, airing their dirty washing in public, so to speak. They swear constantly at each other. They don't know how to speak in normal voices to each other, they have to shout. Their house is dirty. Not just not looked after, but really dirty.

Yet, you get Glassy away from her family (and if you don't take into account how she and I treat each other), you couldn't hope to meet a nicer girl. In fact, she's really sweet. But now I've left it too late, for the time being. With her baby just about to be born, she's going to spend the next few weeks at home, until the baby is born and she has recovered enough. I'm pretty sure that she won't stay in too long after the birth, but by that time, she'll have so much to do with the baby, that I doubt she'll have time for guys.

I texted her today and she phoned me, later, from her mum's landline. She hasn't had any credit and she's not upset with me. I just can't stop thinking about how cute she is. *sigh* Same old same old. Guess I'll just have o move forward and stick with the "no girlfriend" thing for now.

--------------------------------------------------------

Update:

One hour later and Glassy has just phoned me up again. Her mother, their next door neighbour and Glassy are having a drink at home and invited me down. I was terribly tempted but I don't fancy drinking in that house. I wanted to invite Glassy here, but I'm certain she would have refused and insisted I go there. Her mother and the neighbour were shouting in the background, saying that Glassy wanted a shag and that she really fancies me, but she denied it yet again! Apparently she's always talking about me. She says I might hear a knock on the door in an hour or so. I really, really hope so.

Who are you? What do you want? ...

2005-02-16T10:17:00.000Z

I've gone quiz mental! I found one on Inky's blog and thought I'd do a few of them just for fun.

Only, there appears to be a few inconsistancies ... You decide ...

Which Greek God Are You?

Hades

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Season Are You?

You're Most Like The Season Summer ...

Whoa.... Passionate eh ?? Typically you're a fiery,
zesty dominant person. As the hottest season,
you certainly ooze Sex appeal. You have
confidence which draws people to you, and you
have the makings of a good leader.
However sometimes your exterior is stronger then
you are and so you scare people off before they
can get close. Well done... You're the most memorable of seasons
:)

?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Seven Deadly Sin Are You?

You are Sloth!
Lazy huh ?? You're a bit slow in getting going -
and tend not to do anything unless it is
absolutely necessary. You'd rather sit around,
watch TV/Sleep then go out and about with
friends, or take part in a sporting event. On
the positive side, you tend to be quite smart,
as you spend a lot of time watching the News
(!!) or on the computer, Also by conserving
your energy, it's right there waiting for you
when it's vitally important to get going.
Consider possibly moving out of the room once in a
while - and perhaps once a week trade watching
TV for half an hour with a walk - and you'll be
back on track.
However, Congratulations on being the most
intelligent of the 7 deadly sins...

?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Mythical Creature Are You?

You're like a Unicorn!

?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Angel Or Demon Are you?

Destruction

?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Horror Movie Are You?

You're living the movie Event Horizon!

?? Which Horror Movie Are You Living ??
brought to you by Quizilla

If only people knew me, they could tell me how close they think these quizes are ... I'm not saying which one's I think are the most accurate. Think I'll stay enigmatic for now ;-P

The Full Monty? Not quite, but ...

2005-02-15T09:00:00.000Z

Wow! What a Valentine's Day night out! It started out quite tame, but, by the end of the night, we were animals! LOL

Hairy, Boy Toy, Stallion and I started out in a local pub in town. Conversation was a bit stilted to begin with, I don't know why, but we were all pretty quiet. Of course, in Stallion's case, that was probably due to him being out every single night for over a week, which isn't exactly conducive to keeping the party spirit flowing. For my own sins, I had been out every night since Thursday, not as bad as Stallion, but on the way to being seriously alcohol dependency. Cool!

A quick taxi ride brought us to one of the local cities and we started as we meant to go on, downing double vodka and Red Bulls in quick succession. We partied hard and fast and I won't bore you with the details, let us just say it's a good job that Hairy and Boy Toy are friends with a lot of doormen in the city.

We eventually ended up in the bar where Stallion's, now ex, girlfriend works (but not on Mondays). I was happily dancing away when a girl started having a laugh doing Ricki Lake white trash moves and talk at me, so me being me, I gave her back as good as I got, all in an easy going fashion, no animosity whatsoever. It wasn't until she moved away to say something to someone else that Stallion pointed out that it was his ex! There he was, trying to avoid her without looking like he was avoiding her and I'd kept her there for about 10 minutes having a laugh and a joke with her. I wouldn't mind, I thought I was in there ;-P ... For some reason, I just did not recognise her. I thought she had changed her hairstyle, but Stallion said she hadn't. I don't think he realised that the last time I saw her was something like a month and a half ago. Later, in the club, she and I resumed the banter until she and Stallion decided to have a heavy heart to heart conversation. Won't be long before they are back together, I think.

The highlight of the night!

In the club,we were continuing to get hammered, when the DJ announced a Blind Date competition. He wanted 3 guys from the crowd to come on stage and vie for the affections of a girl ... And I was one of those chosen ("Yeah, and we'll have that ugly guy in the stripes up here as well" Cheers, Mate, you're no oil painting yourself).

First off, the crowd obviously liked number two ... A young lad thin, quite good looking and tall (as opposed to me, who is old, muscular-ish, slightly above average looking and short *sigh*). The first thing we had to do was introduce ourselves. Now I *love* being in front of crowds so I (ego-alert) gave the best introduction and got a great reaction. The second thing we had to do was take off our tops. Number one was a bit chubby, number two, I've already mentioned and me ... Like I say, I'm pretty muscular, but I know that lasses don't particularly go for muscly men, so I didn't win that one, unfortunately.

Then we had to show our asses! o_O!

The next thing was we all had to give her a quick kiss, except the bastard DJ knicked my spot! He got to kiss her instead of me ... I know I would have won that test ;-P And the last thing was we had to give the cheesiest chat-up line we could think of, except ... except the bloody DJ *told* us what to say! Of course, my delivery of his crappy cheesy chat-up line was damn straight the best delivery, by far.

When it came to the voting, she had to go by crowd reaction. Number one, got barely a murmer, poor lad. My mate's said between myself and number two, it was a really close thing as the crowd reaction was almost the same, but I don't blame the DJ for saying Number two won it. The poor lass would have had a fit if she had taken the blindfold off to see a slavering old, almost, bald (by choice, I may add!) guy in front of her LOL ... I got some cheap bubbly for my efforts and a sore jaw through smiling so much.

We finished the night off in a local kebab shop throwing chips and coins into the cleavages of a pair of girls. Great fun. Then on the taxi ride home, we payed some extra money to get the guy to drive up and down the main street so we could shout obscenities at people waiting for cabs and walking home. I won't tell you some of the things I said, but there was some nasty shit coming from that cab last night.

Bloody great night!

Valentine's Day ...

2005-02-14T10:10:00.000Z

Terribly sorry at the morose nature of the early morning post of mine. I'm at a point, at the moment, where if I think something I need to write it down and that is what I was thinking when I got in from clubbing last night. I wasn't particularly bad last night, I'd had quite a good time, but I just needed to get those feelings out. If I upset anybody, I apologise. Thanks to Inky and Kayten for their comments, I do appreciate your thoughts.

Today would have been my Father's 74th birthday.

I'd like to put a couple of song lyrics here, today, in the spirit of Valentine's day. One to my wife and one to the nameless, faceless lady that I may one day meet and be happy with. Enjoy.

The Dance - Garth Brooks

Lookin' back on the memories of

the dance we shared beneath the stars above.

For a moment, all the world was right.

How could I've known

that you'd ever say 'good bye?'

(Chorus)And now, I'm glad I didn't know

the way it all would end

the way it all would go.

And our lives are better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd've had to miss the dance.

Holdin' you, I've held everything.

For a moment, wasn't I the king?

But if I'd only known

how the king would fall,

Hey, who's to say,

you know, I might have changed it all.

Repeat (Chorus)

Yes, my life is better left to chance.

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd've had to miss the dance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Disappear - Hoobastank

There's a pain that sleeps inside

It sleeps with just one eye

And awakens the moment that you leave

Though I try to look away

The pain it still remains

Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know, that everytime you're near

Everybody else seems far away

So can you come and make them disappear

Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around

Distracted by the sounds

Of everyone and everything I see

And I search through every face

Without a single trace, of the person

The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you're near

Everybody else seems far away

So can you come and make them disappear

Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?

Make them disappear

There's a pain that sleeps inside

Sleeps with just one eye

And awakens, the moment that you leave

And I search through every face

Without a single trace, of the person

The person that I need

Do you know, that everytime you're near

Everybody else seems far away

So can you come and make them disappear

Make them disappear and we can stay.

Beautiful songs.

In this, my darkest hour ...

2005-02-14T01:48:00.000Z

People don't seem to understand just how much guilt I have for my past atrocities ... I accept so many paltitudes of sympathy and pity, but no-one truly understands the amount of guilt that lays on my shoulders. I'm not stupid enough to believe that I was entirely at fault for the death of my wife, or, at the outside, the death of my mother, yet I feel the guilt. I feel the part which I played in the festival of sorrow which surrounds the death of my wife. I feel that it was my fault. If I hadn't have been disinterested, if I hadn't have thought that I could get her to hospital, if I hadn't have thought that I could have got her there quicker.

You (in general) think that there was nothing I could do, but I know different. You (in general) think that I did what I thought was for the best, but I know I didn't. I killed my wife, as surely as the asthma attack did. More than the asthma attack did, because I had a choice.

I sat on the bed, beside her, as her breathing became more erratic, became more distressed, and I thought that I could do what a paramedic could not do, that a doctor could not do. The disingenuous attitude that I showed towards her, was disgusting and can never be forgiven, or forgotten. By other people, perhaps, but not by me. Never by me.

I showed that wonderful, beautiful girl no respect. No compassion. I treated her like dirt. Not the kind of dirt you walk upon each and every day, but I treated her like the worst kind of dirt that can be imagined. The kind of dirt that people don't care about. And that becomes the crux of my guilt. I didn't care.

I should have cared! I should have given everything to her. My care, my heart, everything, but I gave that girl nothing but contempt, hate and disinterest.

I am the scum of the earth and I desrerve to die, because of it. I do not deserve this life that I continue to hold. That I continue to endure. It should have been me.

I should be the one who should be dead and Sarah-Jayne should be the one continuing to thrive, to live.

I am the cancer that pervades society ... An uncaring, self-obsessed cancer and I need to be cut out and destroyed.

To sleep, perchance to dream ...

2005-02-13T19:52:00.000Z

Dammit! I am so tired right now! I'm supposed to be going out to meet the lads, do some dj-ing and to hit the Other Town to do some clubbing, but I am SO goddamn tired!

Got Old School playing on DVD, been drinking Red Bull all day, going through cigs like they're going out of fashion and my cat won't stop miaowing!!!! For the love of the gods, Salem, shut the fuck up!

Hehehe, bless her :-D ...

As a bonus, my credit card wasn't declined today, as it was yesterday at Pizza Hut (MMmmmmMmm Pizza :-P ), so something, somewhere is going wrong. I used the card in a supermarket today and there's no way they didn't send for authorization, so either the card itself is dying on me, or there's some machines knocking about that aren't working properly. Plus the amount I paid on the card today was twice as much as the pizza cost, so it wasn't because there was just enough money on it for what I got today. Some weird shit happening round here.

I need beer. I need to check out cute chicks. I'm going out! Woohoo!

Kneel before Zod, son of Jor-El!

2005-02-13T16:06:00.000Z

I found this on TheHotLibrarian's blog and thought I'd have a go ...

Which Website are You?

How scarily true is that?!?!? I am everybodies free counsellor!

And I do like free shipping ;-P

There and back again ...

2005-02-13T14:16:00.000Z

I had an awful shock last night. I got back from going out after work, to find that my broadband connection wasn't working! Gaaaaahhhh! I thought that the subscription hadn't been paid and I was really freaking out, but I tried just now and it's working again. Phew!

Friday night, Trace was back at the bar, she seemed to be feeling okay, but was nervous thinking that Big Lad might come into work. I said that the chances of him coming into The Bar were slim, that, if he did come in, the chances of him starting anything were even slimmer and that, if he did start something, the chances of him leavin without the doormen hospitalizing him, were as close to zero as makes no odds. I was wrong about one of those chances, anyway. While on our break, he walked in! I was livid! Both Trace and Da Bosses Daughter, Teach, were talking and I barely heard a word. I just kept my eyes on him. If he did start any trouble, I knew I'd be the first line of defense and, regardless of how many years martial arts experience I have, the size difference between him and me would have been an over-riding factor. I would have still defended Trace, despite any injury I may have suffered. As it was, he stayed at the bar. Trace and I went back on the bar and she did her very best to act as if nothing was wrong. He tried talking to her, but she only spoke to him as a normal customer. Eventually, he stormed out, very angry. Trace had won that battle, but, at the end of the night, she decided to go home, in case he was out in Shark. He wasn't. In my own particular world, Boobs McGinty came in and gave me some pretty evil stares, but I avoided her, and Glassy came in again. Glassy was on her own, yet again, and we continued our nasty sort of flirting before she left late in the night.

Saturday, the LoveBirds were back in again and Cutie continued being touchy feely. I got pretty disturbed by it last night. With Strop, her boyfriend behind the bar, I find it strange that she would touch my ass. I've asked others what they think about that and they say she is being friendly, but the only times I have known women to touch my ass before are in two situations. 1. When the girl is a really close friend, not just a co-worker, but Trace is my closest female friend and she doesn't touch me like that, and 2. When a girl fancies me. Most everybody think it's option 1, but I just don't know. I'm trying my best not to flirt with the girl and it becomes terribly difficult when she's as touchy feely as she is. I can honestly say, I haven't seen her touch Strop's ass apart from when they are being very lovey dovey. She never touches him like that just in passing, but she does to me. I honestly wish she would stop and I even went so far as to say "That was unwanted physical contact", a la Donkey from the original Shrek, but it didn't stop her.

Glassy came out, on her own, yet again! Yet again, we did the nasty flirting thing, but at the end of the night, I decided that I'd had enough of that, so I started telling her I knew she wanted me. I kept saying that everybody knew she fancied me and that she should just admit it. She said something about turning up on my doorstep today but then back-tracked again and started making out that she didn't fancy me. Damn the girl! Either she should admit that she wants me or bloody well leave me alone because I'm getting bored of doing the chasing. Hopefully, after last night, it will make her do something about it, or stop coming in to The Bar and stop texting and calling me so much.

Cameo was a good night. Met up with Stallion, who has finished with his girlfriend and is now most definitely on the pull again. A girl that he likes was in Cameo before I got there, but one of her friends had an argument with somebody and they all left. Stallion was not impressed. I told him to just move on to somebody else, just for that night and enjoy himself, but he kept going on about that other girl. Still, it didn't stop him having a good time anyway, we both just boogied like there was no tomorrow. I, unfortunately sweated like a pig (I don't understand why, it's not like I have huge amounts of excess weight) and that is not exactly conducive to picking up girls. Scary Sarah was working behind one of the bars and, at one point, I went to get a drink and she started knuckling my head (she's a weird girl, go figure). I tried to warn her about how sweaty I was, before she started, but she did it anyway and looked (laughingly) disgusted when she felt it. I told her I did try to warn her though. I like Scary Sarah, as she is different. So many girls are like clones of each other, but she is so totally individual. I'm sure life would never be boring with her.

GothyJen was out, too. Her and her friends joined Stallion and me on the dance floor and I felt like a schoolboy trying to impress her. She danced with me a little bit, but her main attention (plus that of most of her friends) was on Stallion. Damn that boy and his tall-ness and boyish good looks! It doesn't bother me too much as I can't be picked over him. I'm not ugly, but I'm not on his level of good looks and, regardless of what women say, they are still as shallow as men by going for good looking guys first and personalities second. The problem is, the guy has a great personality too! Bastard! LOL ... GothyJen told Stallion that she was going round the Other Town tonight and he's going too. I have only a little money left, but I think I'll join them, even though I have little chance with GothyJen while Stallion's around, but at the very least, I'll have something decent to look at :-D

The Tyler award ...

2005-02-11T10:28:00.000Z

I just noticed that a few of my post titles are references from stuff, like TV shows, movies, songs etc ... I'm going to do an award, an ickle gold star, for anybody that catches the reference and comments first as to what it is and where it comes from. It's just something to fill my days with as I am terribly sad and have nothing better to do with my life.

Now, all I need to do is make up the pic for the award :-D

All alone, in the night ...

2005-02-11T08:53:00.000Z

I was supposed to be DJ-ing last night at the On The Fence club, but Hairy had not been able to get hold of me all week (I don't understand why, my phone has been red hot this week) so he asked Stallion to do it instead. I went down to help him out, but there was barely anybody in so my help wasn't really needed.

Glassy came out and conned me into buying her a £4 drink. That's the last time that will happen!

The thing about last night was I felt out of place for the first time ever, in Shark. I felt old, ugly, fat and stupid. Even Yves and China Doll barely even said "Hi" and I felt completely unwanted. I feel as if I've said or done something to upset everybody and they were collectively giving me the cold shoulder. Hairy and I left early and he tried to help by giving platitudes, such as; "I hope I'm as active and look as good when I get to your age" and "There's loads of lasses fancy you, I'm always being asked if your single" ... Very nice of him, but it didn't help. I am this old and I think it's about time I stopped acting like an 18 year old and start acting like the 34 year old I actually am.

I'm all alone,

in a crowd,

no words,

to me,

do sound profound,

my heart is heavy,

my mind a cloud,

I'm all alone,

in a crowd.

New York Memories: Part One ...

2005-02-10T10:11:00.000Z

In February/March of 2002, I visited New York. It was the most fantastic experience of my life and I'd like to put down some of the experiences I had while there. These will only be short entries and I'll try to remember as much as I can of my time there. I'd love to live in New York, but English people are exempt from being able to get a Green Card and that really annoys me.

On my first full day in New York, I decided to walk from the Liberty Island ferry, up through Manhatten, to see how far I could get in one day. One specific part of the walk always sticks in my mind (I'll talk about the other parts of the walk in a later entry).

I had made it to Central Park, beautiful sunshine glittering through the trees on a February morning. I was drinking in the sights like a man who had been lost in a desert for weeks. It was glorious. At one point, I saw a man off the side of the path doing some sort of exercise. As I came nearer, I noticed that he was performing kata from a martial art, his bag and belongings laid just a few feet away from him. His focus was total and I don't believe he noticed me watching and I paused in my journey for a while to observe his form. I have done, over the years, a number of martial arts, myself, and I noticed that he was performing a particularly difficult kata from the Shotokan-ryu of Karate.

Time and again, he restarted the pattern, throwing a punch out here, making a step there. His goal, obviously to me, was perfection of the form. Each time he restarted, I would notice subtle differences in his stance, in the movement of his arms, the posture of his body. He was a very accomplished karate-ka. I must have sat there, watching this student of the arts, for almost forty-five minutes, studying him as he studied himself. It was a perfect day and a perfect place for such an undertaking and I felt at peace there, under the stark, leaf-less trees of the park. Birds landed between us and flew away, barely noticed by either of us. People walked by, oblivious to us, lost in their own thoughts and conversations that had no place in this frisson of artist and observer.

As time moved on, I realised it was getting late and that I had to return to the Hostel, at which I was staying, in order to prepare to see the bright lights of the city at night. As I turned to walk away, I stopped for a second before turning back. I bowed, low, to the man and held it there for a few seconds, showing my utmost respect to him. I was shocked, as I returned to standing, to see the man had halted in his practice. He was also stood, bowing to me, as low as I had been, showing me respect for observing without commenting, for understanding and appreciating. He raised his head again and I smiled and nodded, before walking away further into the park and as I moved away, he returned to his practice, again at one with his art.

I will never forget that time in Central Park, a time when, in the middle of one of the busiest cities in the world, I came as close to serendipity as I had ever hoped to reach. It was a beautiful day.

If I could change, I would, take back the pain, I would, re-trace every wrong move that I made, I would ...

2005-02-10T08:58:00.000Z

... if I could stand up and take the blame, I would, I would take all the shame to the grave. - Linkin Park - Easier to Run.

I spent the better part of last night texting with Glassy. Text flirting just isn't the same as IRL flirting. I wish she would just admit that she fancies me, because I don't act like a friend with her, so there's no way she can mistake my intentions. It's not as if she hasn't got anybody else to text with, if it's a friend she wants. She knows lots of guys as friends, lots of girls and she has the kind of family that follow each other round like lost puppies. So, why, if she isn't interested in me, does she keep texting me and coming into The Bar, alone, to talk to me?

I also started getting texts from an anonymous person, who said they had got my number from Glassy. They wouldn't say who they were, whether they were female or male, or anything. I figured it was either Glassy herself or her mother that was doing it, just to wind me up. The trouble is, if it was either of them and Glassy does want some kind of a relationship with me, then they have just shot themselves in the foot. I do not have anything to do with people who play mind games. It was funny at first ("I've seen you at The Bar and I think you're very sexy", "That's because I am sexy! Duh!"), but when they wouldn't say who they were after, something like, the 20th text message, I just got pissed off. Funny would have been telling me who they were after, maybe, the 5th text, mind games is what it ended up as and I ended the texting by saying, "I'm off to bed ... You go play wierd stalker person with someone who gives a shit ... I'd wish you a good night, but I wouldn't mean it.".

Damn! I can be real nasty when I want to be. Hehehe.

I'm supposed to be DJ-ing tonight at the On The Fence club, but I haven't heard from Hairy, Boy Toy, Ki or Stallion since sunday, so I haven't a clue what's going on. We'll see later, because I'm going to text Hairy and see what the cráque is.

Memories: Part Four ...

2005-02-08T22:47:00.000Z

As a child, I grew up in a chaotic but good household. My mother and father, although they had their arguments, and they were blistering arguments at that, loved each other very much. My father would get up at the exact same time every morning, perform the same routine getting ready and leave for work at exactly the same time. He would return home at same time every day. The real rock and foundation of our home was my mother. She would do all the cooking, cleaning and anything else that required doing. Not because my father expected her to, but because she genuinely hated anybody doing anything for her. It was her home and she would run it the way she wanted to.

A tale I remember being told about her, one that I can't remember myself as I hadn't been born yet, was of one time she was cleaning the windows of the house. She would clean them, inside and out, without the aid of a set of ladders. She would lean out of the windows, upstairs, and clean them by stretching as far as she could to reach the hard to get to places. The amazing part of this? She was nine months pregnant with me at the time (I was about ten days late). Neither pregnancy, nor arthritis (she had either rheumatic or osteo arthritis in every single joint of her body. Not one or the other, she had both), nor ephasemia, nor hiatus hernia, nor depression, nor angina, nor, finally, cancer could stop this woman from performing anything she wanted to do.

My father, when they first found out that my mother had breast cancer, stood by her throughout the treatments. He took over all her duties. He cooked for us, he cared for us, he cleaned our clothes. He showed that he wasn't just there to go to work and then sit and watch TV all night. My mother pulled through and immediately wrenched the chores away from my father, who protested vehemantly. He spent many times being shouted at by my mother for attempting to do some kind of housework.

Eventually, my father became ill. He had cancer himself and it was my mother's turn to watch over him and care for him while also looking after the rest of the family. Unfortunately, my father didn't pull through. He fought against the disease for such a long time until he couldn't fight anymore and my mother was by his side to the very end. That was in 1996 and if it hadn't have been for my mother and my wife (we were still only engaged at that time), I would have fallen apart.

My mother continued, suffering her ailments quietly and with a great deal of dignity, but she was never the same. She had become only half a person. As the family drifted apart, as her ailments continued to press upon her, she was still the rock that I clung to in times of hardship. When I lost my wife, it was my mother that kept me going. She was the one who wouldn't allow me to become an alcoholic, the one that made sure I woke up every morning (a phone call every day to make sure I had got up in time for work), the one that reassured me and consoled me. She made sure I was eating properly and that my clothes were always clean and pressed.

Almost exactly a year after losing my wife, I lost my mother. The cancer had returned and spread and, as always, she suffered it with quiet dignity. The last time I saw her alive, she told me she loved me but also told me to leave the hospital early. I was very tired and had a martial arts class later that evening. I told her that I could stay longer, but she said that if I didn't leave, she wouldn't talk to me anyway. I relented and left, but, by the time I had reached my home, I recieved a phone call. She was gone. Minutes after I left, she left herself.

She knew. She didn't want me to see her go and she made sure that I wasn't going to be there at the end. She knew me well, I wouldn't have handled it very well. My entire life, she had been there and looked after me, even as I moved into adulthood and became a husband. Now I was left with nobody. All my family had left me, in one fashion or another. The only thing that kept me alive was working at The Bar. It was no substitute, but it kept me alive.

I miss my father, I miss my wife and I miss my mother.

Mum

Such a grieving time,

My mother, my founder,

gone from my sight,

like smoke on the wind,

ethereal, yet mortal,

all knowing, all seeing, all powerful,

at least, for a time,

no more a shoulder to cry on,

nor a sage to seek advice,

not chef, not teacher, nor bodyguard,

just mum,

at peace,

at last.

In Tyler We Trusted

Whey-hey-hey! ...

Hooray, Hooray, It's a holi-holiday!

Time to myself ...

Come back! Come back!

Trying something new ...

Ain't nothin' better than the real thing ...?

Gee, I'm tired ...

Should I believe ...?

Not much ...

Memories: Part Five ...

FUBAR (part two) ...

FUBAR (part one) ...

Some little asides ...

Situation normal, all fucked up ...

Drama gratia drama ...

Career and nostalgia ...

Equal opportunities slut ...

New reviews ...

Finally! The tattoo pic ...

The sun's gonna shine on everything you do ...

Days like these ...

Review for Batman Begins

Kill the DJ ...

New York Memories: Part Two ...

New! New! New!

Re: The Silence ...

The seventh level of heaven ...?

Just some questions ...

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith ...

One door closes ...

Definately, too nice ...?

Too nice ... *Way* too nice ...

That which solitude brings forth ...

The decisions you make today ...

It's a long road, when you're on your own ...

The Geometry of Shadows ...

Ich bin frei! ...

Si vis pacem, parabellum ...

Zen and the art of being a twat ...

Is this the real life ...?

Wanting that early bath ...

Don't panic!

Match postponed due to outside interference ...

God and I had an appointment ...

Labours of love ...

apologetica gigantica ...

The day after ...

All game, no shame ...

Hmmmm ...

Never ending or beginning ...

Like a wheel within a wheel ...

Like a circle in a spiral ...

Per ardua, ad astra ...

A song I'm listening to ...

Gazing into the abyss ...

Back from the dead ...

Just a quickie ...

Expected frustration ...

Discompassionate passion ...

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap ...

Out of the blue ...

Oh, Baby refrain, from breaking my heart ...

An end of sorts ...

And another test ...

It's a test ...

Penguin Home Run ...

Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent ...

Poke the Penguin ...

Tales of the Last Chance Saloon ...

A return to form ...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...

Friday night's not all right ...

La bella morté ...

Time after time after time after ...

Hindsight is always 20/20 ...

... When first we practice to deceive ...

Opportunity, not ...

I know, I know, I know ...

The other side ...

Too nice ... Way too nice ...